Kitschy Kitschy Coo presents... The Hanky Bonnet: The ultimate in icky fashion recycling.
I don't care how much it's laundered, turning your bridal hankie into a christening bonnet for your baby is just asking for a bad case of cradle crap cap.
Inside McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring 1978 issue.
You're minding your own business, wearing your gasoline-soaked paper clothes and high heels, standing with one foot stuck in a pile of leaves, only to be surprised -- surprised -- the dead, dry leaves spontaneously combust and fire races up your leg, exploding your coat into huge flames before you realize what's happening. Oh, and you're a woman, so it's pretty much guaranteed that you're going to screw up raking leaves in a hideous, maiming way. It's March 21, 1964, and The Farmer magazine needs to sell some insurance; crank up the horror and fears of lonely farmwives, who can barely be trusted with the most basic of lawncare, and encourage them that any task you perform around the farm could quickly cause you to burn alive. Stay away from milking the cows, ma; remember what the insurance company said!
SO CUT IT OUT, OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT:
The disembodied head of John J Anthony is letting you know that THOUSANDS of tearful bony women can put on ten to twenty-five pounds of "naturally attractive flesh." I hope that doesn't mean "put on flesh" in a Leatherface sort of way.
The company advertised in this 1930s Radio Guide is Ironized Yeast Co., of Atlanta, GA, so it's no wonder that their claim is that people aren't getting enough iron and Vitamin B in their diets...and what better way to get it than devouring ironized yeast! They gave Charles Atlas a run for his money with the "you're too skinny, you freakin' loser" advertisements, but it seems these Ironized Yeast people eventually fell afoul of 'truth in advertising' laws and crossed paths with the FTC. Remember, crying doesn't help you, even if you're caught promising people more attractive flesh than your ferrous fungus can provide.
You know there had to be BIG money in publishing magazines back in 1960 when The Saturday Evening Postgave sent you a bowling ball in the mail just for soliciting four subscriptions.
I know we're talking 1960's postage, but still -- it's a freakin' bowling ball.
It would have been cheaper to mail folks a voucher along with the authorization, but I guess they made enough money from the advertisers -- the ones I mock here relentlessly.
I've got a 1962 "Municipal Index" -- it's essentially a catalog of manufacturers of street sweepers, steamrollers, fireplugs, and other things cities need. Most of the ads are boring, showing crap like 'features' and 'details' -- and then I run across this one from United Metal Receptacle Corp:
The implication is that, in the future, people won't recognize a freakin' trash can. I expect she's got Burger King 3000 back at home showing the kids how to use a fork and knife. As advertising goes, it serves its purpose: I'll remember the ad, and remember why it looks that way, but it implies that in the future, women can become archaeologists but they'll be dumb as posts. Smokin' hot, but dumb as posts. Thanks, 1962, for this lesson in feminism.
13 More Magazine Scans To Mock, From The Year I Was Born (I skipped TT last week here, so you can't be sick of me.)
#1 Musical Jump Rope with clown head handles?! No matter how fast you skip and run, those clowns follow you!
#2 Amazing any of the Breck's solitaire game boards, made of "feather-light Dylite" (aka Styrofoam) survived. (I know they have, every once and awhile I spot them at thrift stores -- even without being in a box. Which means someone had to carry it in gingerly, separately, from the other donated goods. Amazing.)
#4 Vicks: Where huffing begins.
#5 & 6 For those that believe in the separation of Church & State, 15 Religious Figures and 35 Presidential Statues -- each with their own display.
#7 Arthur Godfrey says Tintex takes the guesswork out of fabric dying.
Now that you've seen the ad, let's talk. What's the deal with this celeb endorsement? Was Godfrey a big ol' butch male crafter -- the Rosey Grier of his time?
(Well, it does look like Godfrey's has his experiences with dying... Look at those splotches on his face.)
#8 Black Eyed Suzie Flowerkins. I saw her live on stage at CBGB's.
#9 & 10 In an issue of Workbasket we find Women Who Make Cents. Some ingenious gal gives away her secrets for making money by using her left over netting to make hair nets. I'd say selling her business idea to the magazine for $2 is more money than she ever made or would have made from the sale of hair nets, no matter what decade.
Also in this column on ways for women to "add to the family income" are directions for bronzing baby shoes at home:
Fill a pair of baby shoes completely with plaster of Paris. Allow to dry or set. Then spray with gold or bronze paint, giving them 2 or 3 coats. Then sell for $2.50 to $3.50 per pair.
OK, I won't argue the cost v. profit ratio (I'm too lazy to research the cost of baby shoes, plaster of Paris and paint in 1964), but isn't the point of bronzing baby booties to both preserve your own child's booties (memories) and to actually bronze them?
#11 If you can't see the bleach container for the pig and actually need instructions and a pattern to make Pretty Priscilla, perhaps you've moved from huffing Vicks to snorting Clorox.
#12 Royal made a "nutty new flavor" in 1964 -- "a proud new pudding that combines the creaminess of caramel with the crunch of toasted bits of cashews!"
I can't won't am not allowed to speak for pudding pride, but the reasons why I've never hear of caramel-cashew pudding was either:
A) cashew quickly pudding became as pricey as cashmere pudding & out-priced anything in the boxed dessert (including the other Royal flavors, by the case)
or
B) like me, few desired crunchy pudding.
#13 Just when you thought pudding couldn't get any nuttier...
My-T-Fine pudding pushed a pudding and pantyhose promo.
I'm at a bit of a loss here because hubby keeps me to the PG-13 rule, but naturally, when I hear of pudding and pantyhose I think of a control-top -- and a breathable cotton crotch. The ad mentions neither.
Nor does it actually state pantyhose, but rather reads "nylon fashion hosiery." Not that pudding in my stockings sounds much better.
...But now I'm treading on the too-thin PG-13 ice. I don't want to skate the issue; he makes me. You, however, may play with "pudding" and "ladies' hosiery" and "My-T-Fine" and see what you come up with.
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
Patty Clayton was the first radio voice of Chiquita for radio in 1944, followed by Elsa Miranda for 1945-6 promotional tour. Elsa Puerto Rican not related to the Brazillian singer in the fruit hat who inspired the character of Chiquita Banana.
Here's the original Chiquita Banana theatrical ad:
Chiquita became so popular that parody ensued... I give you Juanita Banana by the Peels (1965).
In 1987 artist Oscar Grillo, creator of the Pink Panther, transformed Chiquita Banana from banana woman into a woman. And that's about when I lost interest in her.
Most collectors will admit they are more than a little mad... But it takes a special kind of crazy to collect old magazines.
First there's the sadness as you grab box after box of vintage and retro crafting, how-to, and do-it-yourself magazines at an estate sale or auction... All the unfinished work speaks of lives that weren't finished.
And then there's the general craziness of what's inside the pages. Who said these were good ideas? And when it comes to women's magazines there's the perpetual, "Who bought this crap -- bought into this crap?"
One cannot help but mull the sanity & happiness, insanity & unhappines, of the former magazine owners... Today, I do so with 13 examples of mockable magazine scans.
(And yes, whenever I mock the previous owners of these magazines I am reminded of what others will think of all these boxes of magazines that I'll leave behind. I said it's a special kind of crazy.)
1) Via this 1971 Pack-o-Fun, "The Only Scrap-Craft Magazine", I am reminded why I don't recommend putting your children in scouting. Or elderly folks into those crafting classes at the old folks' home. Little's much sadder than instructing people to make dolls out of garbage -- unless it's dangerous dolls made of plastic dry cleaner bags, stuffed with facial tissue, and drawn on with markers.
While they admonish giving these dolls to babies who will put things in their mouths, they also say that "these cuddly little dolls will become favorites of the toddler set." Toxic teethers, poisonous pacifiers; a garbage doll by any other name is just fine as long as your child is mature enough, by 2, to know better. (No mention that suffocation by plastic dolls or marker fumes may cause retardation, rendering your smart toddler as dumb as a baby.)
2) Foiled again. From the same magazine, this is eggs-actly what you think it is: egg cartons covered with tin foil, used as a lighting fixture.
What? You're waiting for me to add something? The idea should be enough -- plus, you've got the groovy photo.
3) Home Kinks magazine isn't what you think it is. Or maybe it is; maybe you're not as twisted as I am. Or maybe you are just as twisted, but you just knew this was a Popular Mechanics publication (1947). The cover boasts of a frying pan shield on page 18. I didn't scan it, but to end your suspense, I'll confirm that it's precisely what it looks like: a cake cover cut-out to allow access to the contents of the frying pan.
4) On page 9 we all learn how to make a Dutch Boy cutout to hold a kitchen broom. I'm not going to mock this; I long for the good old days when copying corporate logos for home use was de rigeur.
5)On page 94 we have (further) proof of my mental illness. Something has been cut out -- presumably the order form for the 102 time saving, money saving, money making, helpful, inexpensive easy to use... guides, as selected by the blue X's. But that's not good enough.
This magazine is incomplete; therefore I am incomplete.
6) The October 1975 issue of Women's Circle Homeworker "shows you the way to home money making." (I have to admit I read the title as 'homewrecker', but maybe that's because I just know a lady making extra 'pin money' isn't the sort of girl dear old dad can stay married to.)
The cover proclaims, "Women Paperhangers Earn $5 Per Hour". I guess that was startling in 1975 -- but not for the reasons you think.
7) As the story continues on page 31, the headline, "Women paperhangers are still around", tells us that in 1975 paperhanging was considered to be on the outs with the modern home working woman. I guess wallpaper hanging was that 'oldest profession' folks refer to.
I'd also like to note that in 1975, the was a shortage of pithy, pun-ny writers or else there should have been a pun about women paperhangers still hanging around.
8) At the end of the article, Edna Shimp, wallpaper professional gal, recommends, "If you are contemplating decorating, think wallpaper." Surprise, Edna shills!
9) Super double bonus points for a women's lib mag calling women 'gals'.
10) And tack on an extra 100 points for the corner call for 'junior achievers', women "below the age of 20". Sheesh.
11) In the January, 1964 issue of The Workbasket, there's an ad for Yum Yum perfume.
When you are asked say Yum Yum!
Our new perfume is so delightful that we just had to name it YUM YUM. The fragrance lasts and is very subtle. Its exquisite tones are remembered fondly.
When you are asked, say "Yum Yum!" OK, so picture it... Your meet a swell feller, and whatever he asks, you reply, "Yum Yum," as directed. Later on the feller asks his buddies, "What was the name of that retarded girl... I am fond of her smell."
12) On the opposite page, we are asked to choose between "this or this" with the choices being to have, or not to have, bunions.
Naturally, all we can reply is, "Yum Yum!"
13) Below that ad, an ad for a job to work at home doing invisible mending.
In many communities invisible menders are scarce: service is expensive -- often unavailable. Can you learn to do this fascinating, profitable work?
"Yum Yum!" is our instinctive reply. (Oh, yes; it sucks to have the ads near the Yum Yum Parfums-Degas ad.)
But then again, perhaps we are just high on the subtle but exquisite smell of our $1 bottle of perfume and so we think maybe, must maybe, we are able to learn such fascinating, profitable work... Or is that the smell of our marker colored suffocation doll? $240 a month buys a lot of $1 per bottle, postpaid, perfume. (We reckon about 180 of 'em.)
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
This poor soul has come down with the deadly disease pomponitis, in which unsightly -- but pleasantly fluffy -- growths protrude from the head in unpleasant ways. Not particularly painful for the sufferer, unless they also happen to be a cat-owner, in which case secondary injuries may be sustained while sleeping. As the patient's illness progresses, the pompons eventually fall off and blow away like tumbleweeds, infecting any they touch. No cure is known, although cats tend to catch the tumbling pompons and extinguish them before they can infect others.
This, in fact, illustrates an advertisment for Brunswick yarns -- Brunswick Worsted Mills, Inc is still around (sadly, without a website), and their instructional booklets abound online. The photo of the woman with pompoms all over her face is not explained in the ad at all -- the only text consists of a catalog of booklet prices. Why would a woman have fluffy yarn balls attached to her head? Only her doctor knows for sure.
I was very serious today in my T13 at CQ. And that exhausted me. I could have gone to bed -- should have gone to bed; but then what would you do without your dose of Pop Tart T13 Snark?
Anyway, I had these images left over, see, and I don't want the scans to go bad! The trouble is, they really don't have a theme...
OK, so how about telling it like it is: Thirteen Old Things Which Get My Snark On.
1) Guys are worried about shrinkage.
That's about all I'm at liberty to say at this PG-13 blog. No, no; there'll be no comments from me about Moms, balls, or hot water -- or anything else.
2) Is it just me, or did Disney rip-off Lilo from these retro dolls?
3) And speaking of law suits, I hope Mary Jane's last name was "Moppet"...
4) OK, remember how we once called those big-boned boys "husky"? Heck, maybe we still do; I just don't have a husky son, so I don't know if that label has really gone away... But I am oh-so glad that McCall's et all stopped using the word "Chubbies" to describe their patterns for little girls who 'need' their "Pounds-Thinner" patterns. Oh, and by the way, while McCall's actually printed "Chubbie's" on the tab of the giant pattern book (June, 1972), there were a total of two such patterns available -- and no robes or anything. Fat and fashion-less may be one thing... But fat and naked is another. Tough-love, ey?
5) Mother, get the garbage can and some asbestos -- it's dinner time!
Both a time and a fuel saver, you say? The modern fireless cooker was featured in a 1948 Modern Woman's Magazine. Click it and you can follow the directions yourself. (Our lawyers remind us to remind you that we are only joking about that.)
6) Ooooh, beautiful answers to the fuel shortage! We can burn them!
7) Before L'Oréal had babes exclaiming, "Because I'm worth it!"...
Clairol said, "Girls, do it because he's worth it!" Huh. I wonder why they still don't use that pitch?
8) Does your watch tell you the year? Yeah, how about the year you got it? This Alf watch screams 1988 to me...
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
