I know that there's a time and a place for reverse psychology, but your mouth ain't it:
"Chicken Poop" lip balm -- and, thankfully, their website points out the fact that there's no actual poop in it. It apparently goes back to an old joke that if you smear something gross on your lips you won't be tempted to lick them, but then I'd expect this stuff would taste like sweat and skunk...nope, "sweet orange", "lavender essential oil", nothing that tastes remotely like poop. Or so I'd expect; I dunno, maybe chicken poop tastes like sweet oranges, I've never tried it. No, and it isn't going to happen. Not ever. (via)
In the pages of Women's Circle, May, 1978, comes this feature on one Bonie Merrill.
Bonie (pronounced "Bone-Knee", entertained at hospitals, convalescent homes, social & service clubs, private parties and charity functions for 35 years. Her acts were patterned after some of the Phyllis Diller routines, but Bonie wrote her own jokes & song parodies.
Two years prior to this article (so that's be 1976-ish), Bonie decided she needed a gimmick for one of her song parodies and designed a crazy hat. Eventually she ended up with some 200 hats used in her acts -- hence the article's "Hat Comedy Show" titular use & the photographs.
Deciding that some history would be nice to throw into the shows, she made a trip to the library to study the history of hats -- but "You wouldn't believe how dull the history of hats is, so I invented some history of my own." Here's one of Bonie's jokes, on the origin of ladies' wide-brimmed hats, which audiences supposedly believed:
"Way back in history in some European country, the ladies of the court were always passing gossip by whispering in each other's ears," Bonie explains. "Now the king was jealous because he couldn't hear the gossip and decreed that the ladies would have to wear wide brimmed hats so they'd have to talk louder because they couldn't get their heads close together."
But my favorite quote is this:
"Of course, we have to clean up the act a little, when we are performing for a church group or something like that," Bonie said. "Some of our jokes, songs and routines might be considered a little risque."
While the article doesn't explain it, the teasing, tantalizing comment makes me wonder just what sort of dirty hat jokes &/or song parodies Bonie had.
If you know anything about Bonie, or Barbara Ludwig (piano accompanist) and Frances Harvey (Boni's "favorite stage 'stooge'"), please let me know.
A splendid game that can be played by any number of children is "Stickerchief." It is quite as exciting as hockey or lawn-tennis, and it has the advantage of not requiring expensive balls, racquets, or sticks.
Stickerchief is played with a handkerchief and some short pieces of bamboo, of the sort used by gardeners to hold up tall flowers. A dozen of these bamboos can be bought at any florist's for one shilling.
One shilling? What am I, made of money?
Who compares hockey to lawn-tennis? Well, I might; I find neither "exciting."
Sorry the photo's not so great; but black on black isn't as showy as the colorful costume. So if you're going into the black velvet painting business and you need to photograph them for web sales or whatnot, remember you'll probably need special lighting or something.
I have no idea if this is Eddie Leonard surrounded by a bevy of 1920 beauties; but the photo is fetching. It's not why I bought it though. I bought it because you can't help but read it as "Ida, sweet as apple cida."
It was held the weekend of April 28-30, 1967. I know -- not because I went to the tournament; I'm not that kind of loser. I know because I have the brochure, complete with registration card. Yup, I'm that kind of loser.
Sure, I've been mocking the 1979 National Enquirer bits, but have I ever really considered just how far the National Enquirer has gone? No, I don't mean the depths of hell, the limits of decency -- I mean on the map.
All for me!
Oh, the quality reporting! Logging 1,183,338 miles, they went to London to cover the world's first test tube baby and even went to Guyana twice in '78 to cover the Jamestown suicides.
And don't you go thinking they just sent 'reporters' to Alaska to gather information about "secret Soviet psychic research" -- they went to Moscow too.
Because I love Grover, I almost bought this old plaster mirror with Sesame Street characters; if Roosevelt Franklin had been on it, I would have. (I may love Grover, but I seriously crush on Roosevelt Franklin. Nothing inappropriate, of course.)
An article in the February 13, 1979 National Enquirer by Donald McLachlan warns, "Cocaine Sniffing by Celebrities Blamed For Soaring Use of Drugs by Youngsters."
"The kids see photographs of them wearing coke spoons as decorations around their necks. They read of stars like Louise Lasser and Linda Blair getting into trouble over coke... Kieth Richard of The Rolling Stones being arrested in Canada... comedian George Kirby going to jail for dealing it."
And where would the kids of 1979 see such photos and read such stories? Oh yeah, the National Enquirer.
Then again, who believes anything in the National Enquirer?
But if McLachlan and the National Enquirer really believed that peer pressure or the cool-kid factor were so strong, why didn't they stop publishing the stories -- or advise that parents keep the rag away from their kids.
Maybe the National Enquirer should use the tagline: Promoting the coke spoon & harming your kids since (at least) the 70's.
In Modern Woman Magazine (Vol 14, No 5, 1945), a little snippet on hankies:
Historians credit Marie Antoinette with the invention of the pocket handkerchief. She was so broken up at leaving her home in Austria that she cried all the way to France and wiped her eyes with bits of lace torn from her dress and lingerie. Anticipating future tears, she made it a point always to have a piece of lace tucked in a pocket of her dress. This, say the historians, was how handkerchiefs were born.
I don't know if this is true, even if it is said that Marie-Antoinette made an observation that a square handkerchief is most convenient and pleasing, and so King Louis XVI published a decree ordering the new lengths.
In 1945, foot pedals were the fantasy future of kitchens.
FOOT PEDALS will operate many of the labor-saving devices which will be ours in the kitchen of tomorrow. Here the housewife prepares vegetables in the future kitchen, while her little daughter has opened a bin which tilts to throw the vegetables forward. By operating the foot pedals for water in the sink, the housewife has her hands free. The splash board back of the sink is self illuminating when raised, and lowers flush with the working bench at right to form a buffet bar.
From What's Cooking For Tomorrow's Kitchens, by Joseph Lawren, in Modern Woman, Vol 14, No 5, 1945' photograph from Libby-Owens-Ford's "Kitchen of Tomorrow".
Vintage pottery animals with their butts in the air and holes where their tails ought to be.
I only have two, so it's not a collection yet. The cat is a rather popular planter motif and typically they had cactus planted to be their kitty tails. But the dog is more of a mystery -- despite a partial label on the bottom.
The hole is too small for the pup to be a planter; hubby suspects it had a bobble-tail which wagged. The tag reads Little Pete (or, it could be Little Peter), but exhaustive searches have turned up nothing. Know something about Little Pete or his missing tail? Let me know.
Meanwhile, I keep my eyes opened for a third vintage pottery animal with it's hole-y butt up in the air.
That's what it says inside this retro brochure for the Movieland Wax Museum. "But," it continues, "let yourself go and time and time again, on every set at Movieland, you'll re-live the most dramatic moments of the screen."
It also says you might find yourself walking among the living stars, as they "regularly visit" the museum. Those who do so, are awarded their own special director's chair (with their own name!) upon their first visit.
I didn't scan the whole thing; but enjoy the pages I did. Or not. It might be creepy even in digital pixels.
If you have difficulty keeping track of your rings, you can put them on a slug. (They call it a snail, but there's no shell.) I guess the story is that they won't wander off too far. I tried it once, but then my dog rubbed & slid its face along the slug (why do they do that?!) and my rings ended up all over the lawn.
This looks like my mom, but it's not; this lady's name was Jeri and she was famous. I don't know her. But I do know my mom.
It's a small photo, just like the ones you give away to your friends in school. Only I didn't get this from Jeri herself (I told you I don't know her); I got it with some other vintage photos of famous people. That explains why it's not signed on the back with a note for me to 'stay sweet' (which I did) or how fun I was in math class (which I was).
If you know who this lady is -- even if she's not your mom -- please let me know.
The kids thought this little vintage donkey was the donkey from Pinocchio; we had to explain that back at that time, nearly all donkeys had that huge-ear look.
I, of course, was smitten by the ears -- but it was the remnants of fur on the figurine which made me whine and have the cashier at the thrift store bring her out from behind the glass so I could photograph her. You know she's expensive if she's behind the counter...
Not only is her mane real, but the saddle blanket is cloth. On her belly is a golden sticker stating she's hand painted in Japan, produced by the Ries company. But still, she was priced at $8.99 -- and they don't negotiate at the thrift stores. No matter how much you whine.
She was put away.
Hubby occasionally caves to my whining; that day he gave in. Bray-Bray The Donkay now lives with my other figurines with fur. Wo0t!
I've long been toying with slapping the Kitschy Kitschy Coo poodle on checks (she is just too darn cute!), but the funny thing is, once you start thinking of what you could all put on personalized checks -- and who would see them -- you start to want them in the dozens.
I'd forgo cute kids and corporate logos, and put something seemingly incongruous on them. Something they'd actually look at (and no offense, but other than grandma, who looks at your kids?)
I want something on my checks that would make the envelope opener and the cashier pause and wonder just what kind of person they are dealing with here. And then smile and laugh at it so hard that they have a cute work story to share at the family dinner table -- and maybe even want to break the rules and photocopy the check for show-and-tell. (In some cases, maybe even run to their supervisor and ask if they should really do being business with this person.) Now that's real personal checks.
Of course with this household of kitsch collectors that's a rather long list of possibilities.
If I had to pick just one (which both budget and banker would prefer), I'd go with the "you've been kitsch-slapped" image. I'd love to at least send that message to those I owe money to.
And the thought of some future ephemera collector finding & coveting such a prize is equally delicious.
This has to be the most hilarious thing I've read today: Is it a cheap-looking gold necklace featuring what looks like Tinkerbell pooping a pearl? Surprisingly, yep, that's Disney.
The article, from The Onion's AV Clubis all about identifying the horribly kitschy designs Disney uses in their products, so that there's no mistaking where you bought it from. The sad thing is, the Onion AV Club doesn't understand that pearls ARE actually fairy poop. They should take a science class once in a while.
In Calling All Girls (December, 1945), Nancy Pepper, Fashion Editor, has a kitschy column called "Jabberwocky and Jive". This bit is teaches the not-so-cool kids on the cool lingo the kids were using that day based on Hollywood.
Here are some of my favorites (you can click the image to read the larger scan).
B 'n B -- That's what you call them if they're Co-Starring of Going Steady, on account of they're a Bogie 'n Bacall.
HI, VAN--HOW'S JOHNSON? -- Instead of plain "Hi." There are lots of them -- like "Hi, Garson -- how's Pidgeon?"
HEAVENLY HURD -- A smooth boy. Inspired by the Man of your Screams in "Dorian Gray."
CROON ANOTHER, CROSBY -- Means "Tell me more."
THE CORN IS GREEN -- You say that when anyone tells a corny story.
"She's dead; wrapped in plastic." OK, so she was (probably) never alive. But I hate to see dolls & stuffed animals wrapped in plastic. Sure, she's more 'valuable' in her original packaging, but she can't breathe.
I don't know which Flora Belle doll by Brinns she is -- other than 'a pink one.' I didn't look at her name. Who knew they made so many pink ones? Not me; with all that air-tight plastic, I thought she'd be blue.
Man, before the internet and the ability to download 'virtual' crap, you could get all sorts of real things via mail-order:
Yes, squirrel monkeys could actually be mailed to you, in a tiny little box (sundress not included), and you could have a best friend with a prehensile tail. I mean, other than Roger Coulter from 5th period, because he's just creepy. The squirrel monkey was guaranteed delivered alive, so if a dead monkey appeared in your mailbox, you had some sort of recourse. If you wanted two Minneapolis monkeys -- two monkeys!?! -- you could save a fivespot on the deal. Hopefully, you'll be well-prepared for its arrival; otherwise you might end up with angry parents and an arm full of stitches. My ad came from a 1963 issue of McCall's Needlework & Crafts.
Slenderella, packed by Richmond-Chase Company, featured Sucaryl® -- "the magic sweetener that doesn't add one single calorie". The cutie-patootie in the ad exclaims, "...so finally I tried slenderella low-calorie foods... and look what happened to itty-bitty me!"
I look slimmer when I wear my tablecloths too, bitch.
But seriously... Sucaryl ® is Cyclamate, and was banned in the US for cancer. Which sort of begs the question about just what would be the cause of any weight loss.
Like many artificial sweeteners, the sweetness of cyclamate was discovered by accident. Michael Sveda was working in the lab on the synthesis of anti-fever medication. He put his cigarette down on the lab bench and when he put it back in his mouth he discovered the sweet taste of cyclamate.
Just how do lab rats manage to survive at all?
Ad found in The Dakota Farmer, "Dakota's Own Magazine", April 18, 1959.
I didn't. I was A) hoping you folks would actually guess & B) I decided this would make an excellent poster for the bathroom -- you know, to give guests something to do while they were just sitting there...
1 The door by which we enter the room has the finger-plates and handle and keyhole on the wrong side, being against the hinges.
2 The oval picture is hanging from a hook which is placed upside down on the picture-rail.
3 The landscape (next to oval picture) is upside down.
4 The picture hanging inn the corner has no hook at all.
5 The skirting board is reversed.
6 & 7 "We shall be surprised to find that the maid is about to shovel on to the gas-fire some coal she has taken from a coal-scuttle which has quite an impossible handle. The handle is round the bottom of the scuttle in such a way that it could not possibly be swung round for the purpose of lifting the scuttle."
8 The hands of the clock are wrong (the little hand would point to a minute or so past the hour, not before it).
9 & 10 The window fastener is the wrong way around -- and the handle to lift the lower half has been fixed on back to front.
11 The support for the curtain pole is fastened on the top, instead of at the side, which would prevent putting the pole over it.
12 The knob to open the shutter is on the wrong side.
13 "Moving round the room we come against a hassock, the lungs of which are on the sides instead of on the ends. Let us take it up and we shall notice how very awkward it would be if hassocks were always made like this one."
14 "There is something strange about the dog too. It is a spaniel with a collie's tail."
(I guess Victorians weren't fond of mutts.)
15 & 16 The chair has been "very carelessly upholstered" -- the pattern is the wrong way up, the castor has been fixed on wrong and "it would soon break with the weight of anyone sitting in the chair."
17 The floor-boards have been placed in the wrong direction "and what would happen to them underneath the carpet is impossible to say."