Consult the Educated Monkey!

Not only does this monkey dress nicely, wearing a fine suit and bowtie -- and I don't even know how to tie a bowtie! -- the simian below is also capable of complex multiplication problems (video here):
Man, nothing's worse than being show up by a monkey. Hey, let's see him figure out square roots, because I -- wait, I can't do that, either...darn you, educated monkey!

Mail-Order Monkeys

Man, before the internet and the ability to download 'virtual' crap, you could get all sorts of real things via mail-order:


Yes, squirrel monkeys could actually be mailed to you, in a tiny little box (sundress not included), and you could have a best friend with a prehensile tail. I mean, other than Roger Coulter from 5th period, because he's just creepy. The squirrel monkey was guaranteed delivered alive, so if a dead monkey appeared in your mailbox, you had some sort of recourse. If you wanted two Minneapolis monkeys -- two monkeys!?! -- you could save a fivespot on the deal. Hopefully, you'll be well-prepared for its arrival; otherwise you might end up with angry parents and an arm full of stitches. My ad came from a 1963 issue of McCall's Needlework & Crafts.

You Say "Fez Monkey Huggers" Like It's A Bad Thing

Vintage salt & pepper shakers via -- where else? -- eBay.

Modern Woman Monday: Consumption Information Gives Me The Vapors

From pages 96 & 97 in Pathfinder Physiology No. 3, Hygienic Physiology, by Joel Dorman Steele, PhD., 1888.


First an illustration of the "deformity" of tight lacing of corsets (which I've already disputed -- NWS), then this gem on "consumption":

Consumption is a disease which destroys the substance of the lungs. Like other lung difficulties, it is caused by a want of pure air, a liberal supply of which is the best treatment that can be prescribed for it.*

...* If I were seriously ill of consumption, I would live outdoors day and night, except in rainy weather or midwinter; then I would sleep in an unplastered log house. Physic has no nutriment, gaspings for air can not cure you, monkey capers in a gymnasium can not cure you, stimulants can not cure you. What consumptives want is pure air, not physic, plenty of meat and plenty of bread, -- Dr. Marshall Hall.

I've always heard consumption and the vapers were catch-alls for undiagnosed illnesses, like cancer, and/or diseases in the minds of fragile women. But in case I am wrong, anyone tried monkey capers for their consumption?

Lawn Kitsch On A Grand Scale

Go see all about it.

More Tees, Please

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13 Retro Nylon Netting... Nightmares?

Got lots of netting and a hankering for cutesy critter madness -- but lacking the imagination or instruction necessary to get started? Well, kiddos, this is your lucky day...

1) Nylon Net Novelties (1967) is 23 pages of kitschy retro goodness, sure to keep you busy for hours and hours -- with the added benefit of annoying everyone you know by giving them all your 'handicrafted' offspring.


I know you're all dying to see more of the poodle.

But it's my blog, so we're paging through this my way.

As expected, there are lots of pink frothy things, like topiaries and other centerpieces, for bridal and baby showers. (Since this is the 1960's, yes, the order matters.)

Frankly, upon first seeing the cover, I had little hope for this old craft publication... Too much frilly pink. Even for this kitschy girl. Combined with the memories of seeing such frilly, yet faded, netting nightmares, I remembered that their true function seems to be the ability to retain dust. Grandma dusted, perhaps around her tea cup collection, but I'd actually seen her lift and shake the (once) pink topiary. But it still smelled and made me sneeze. Perhaps these nasty-netting things were the inspiration for early dusting tools...

Oh, Hazel, Hazel Pearson, founder of Hazel Pearson Handicrafts, what have you done?

Like the Rolling Stones, all this sickness and I could suck a...



2) Duck.

OoooOOoh, feather options!

(See what I mean? A feather duster.)

3) The obligatory Net Santa.



I thought Santa had some sort of fungal infection in his eyes, but after perusing the crafting instructions it seems that those large orbs are 'cheeks' not 'eyes'. The eyes, in fact, are actually nothing more than lashes... Go ahead, click and look at the larger scan if you don't believe me. So it's no wonder we are confused that the balls we see are not eyeballs.

All I know is, if I put that up during the Christmas holiday season, none of my kids would dare to stay up late and see him -- and be on the 'Naughty' list? Hyeell no.

But it gets worse.

4) Meet the candy-ass clown.


I don't just say that because of my dislike and fear of clowns (one clown did try to kill me), but I say it because this clown has netted body -- including his tush -- designed to be filled with candy.

Mmmm Mmm, dusty candy.

5) Up next, a ballerina -- and the more curious elephant.


I know I'm simple, but I'm confused by the two-sentence set of instructions:

For party-time fun "Pink Elephant, of white foam, is secured to a base trimmed with wide net ruffles. Pearlized grapes add a gay touch.

OK, so the pink elephant is made of white foam... Color issues aside, were there once just rows of elephant foam forms? (And try to say that quickly on the phone while frantic for such supplies.)

Call me crazy, but how low-brow was crafting then that a project had less steps than assembling something from IKEA? Wouldn't it just be easier, and more creative, to take juniors stuffed toy, wrap a ribbon or ruffle around it, and smack it down in the center of the table?

6) I won't lie to you. The only reason this next one is here is because I have a thing for storks. (See part of my stork collection here.)


7) I honestly did spare you pages of wedding & anniversary hearts, nosegays, and umbrellas, but these baby shower centerpieces needed to be seen.

Besides, 'highly flammable' and the obvious 'kitsch' tag, what else would you call these? They hold the same creepy fascination for me as taxidermy. And that means I might rubber-neck, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to make one.

Come to think of it, nominating yourself to do the shower decorations with this booklet in hand, and you might find yourself never having to do anything but bring chips to every gathering you attend -- for the rest of your life.

7a) What should be here is a page on how to make a table skirt of netting for a wedding reception. I didn't scan & post it because if you can't figure that out, well, I've got a paper bag for you to try to find your way out of.

8) Here we have a 'soap fish' and 'peacock soap' -- don't ask me why the names are the way they are... Perhaps it is because the fish is so simple, twist netting around a small soap and glue some googly-eyes on it (yeah, yeah, some sequins too), that the emphasis should be on the soap. Which would make the more elaborate peacock more for advanced netters. (Certainly more sophisticated than the table cloth.)



9) Next up is the the poodle. Don't get all excited now; I wasn't even going to share this scan with you. For some reason I just didn't think you'd be worthy of Lu-Lu The Poodle. If you've ever been in a thrift store you've seen lots of Lu-Lus who need homes... Do you have any idea how many Lu-Lus are euthanized each year because none of you adopt them?

But, there, beneath Lu-Lu was a loo-loo of another sort.


10) Yup, that's Charlie the Caterpillar. Isn't that sad? That someone would be so lacking in imagination they wouldn't be able to roll netting up and glue a face on it without instructions?

...But we aren't done yet. Not with crafty netting; not with sadness.

If you thought instructions for Charlie and a netting table cloth overlay were sad -- or even just 'filler' to get to 23 pages -- you've no idea what's next.

There, beneath the topiary...



11) The 'Peony Scouring Pad', no matter how high and fancy its pedestal is, is laugh-out-loud funny.

I know this isn't any different in design that the bath puffs we all use with our shower gel -- but not even Dove calls it a 'Peony'. And while that netting is scratchy, is it tougher than Chore Boy or steel wool? Really?

What a horrible, horrible shower gift. I buy a place setting or a high chair for this shower and I get this?!

May I trade it for your caterpillar, please? Because I don't want what's coming up.


12) I'm guessing just posting the phrase 'net monkey' here is going to result in some Internet searchers to be frustrated... I don't know what it means, but I'm pretty sure those darn kids do; and it probably isn't pretty. But then neither is this nylon netting monkey.

My brother-in-law says that any words ending in 'k e y' are funny (go ahead, say 'monkey' and 'donkey' and you'll see he's onto something there), but this monkey, by virtue of his 'net' status, is creepy. Worthy of display near any dead animal art -- or, perhaps, some would say, part of my creepy doll collection. But I just don't think I could put Net Monkey next to Big Toe Joe. Not and feel good about it, anyway.

13) Last, I'll leave you with Net Bunny. Note, he is not the Easter Bunny; one assumes that he has many more functions to attend & perform.



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13 Toys That Made Noise In The 60's

Thirteen Things That Made Noise in Wards Catalog in the late 60's Pierre Poodle is a 6-transistor radio, with the controls on his tummy: Big Plush Talkers are stuffed animals with chatty rings & talking strings. There's Bugs Bunny; Sniffy the Skunk who talks and smells like mint; and Montana Mouse, who, while "shocking pink" is "dressed like a real frontier hero" and "talks with a Western twang" as he shares "10 secrets". There are several talking circus toys here, Larry the Lion, Patootie the clown, and my favorite, Chester O' Chimp who says, "I speak English, can't you talk Monkey?" Hey! Hey! They're the Monkees! (And they "talk to each other just like on TV!) These talking hand puppets feature pull strings so that each chats up a storm. There is Tom the cat with Jerry the mouse in his hand, King Kong, and Bugs Bunny. This one is abso-frickin-lutely my favorite. Her name is Scooba-Doo, and she says, "I'm Scooba-Doo. Come on, let's get with it!" because she's a "member of the swinging generation" -- which may explain her "striped mini-dress and mod necklace", but should she really say, "Dig my crazy black stockings!" -- really? Me thinketh someone wasn't as hip as they thought daddy-o. Not only does the dressed in red Baby Secret doll say, "Hold me close and whisper!" but they stress that her lips move and that she can be put in any baby-like position. (My mind is seriously in the gutter.) "Nobody can out talk us!" Danny O'Day ventriloquist dummy comes with a record by Jimmy Nelson to teach you "instant ventriloquism". Rowlf Muppet is just a puppet. And while both require your own voice, I had to show them off here too. Consider them, numbers 14 &15, as a bonus. *wink*

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SOCK MONKEY! SOCK MONKEY!

Oh, my -- Sock monkeys are entertaining to some, terrifying to others, a career for David Letterman, but sometimes they're just weird. Buzzdome Blog has an ultimate resource on the footwear simians, along with an explanation of what the heck this picture is of.