Hoidy Toidy

My, how toilet seat technology has improved: today, you can get barbed wire embedded in them, or get ones that add unimaginable degrees of functionality of your regular toilet, but in the sixties you just had appliques:

Realize: this ad is a full-page in the Home Modernizing Guide, full-color, towards the beginning...it cost a lot of scratch to get your fractal fleur-de-lis in front of someone just dying to replace their already uncomfortable hard toilet seat with something exactly the same -- except for a little image on the cover. This, in 1965, was "a step up to a new high in bathroom elegance" -- which leads me to believe that American Standard thought the previous level of bathroom elegance was simply having a toilet seat to cover the hole.



Yup, that's all of them -- "delicate sea horses...gay bouquets...golden fleur-de-lis...handsome arabesque arrangements" -- molded into the cover with raised detail, so that as you're scrubbing the seat down you won't rub off the sea horses. I don't think I've ever lived used a potty with pictures on the seats; any sort of brownish, greenish details are off-putting to me, but those seem to be the key colors here. In the sixties and seventies, harvest gold and olive green were de rigeur home interior colors, but I can't imagine why anyone thought they'd be good toilet colors. I guess I shouldn't talk; our toilet seat is a plain-old white model...if only I could rub my bare butt on one of these fine examples of bathroom elegance, I'd change my tune.

Beautify Your Knob

Ah, doorknobs: today, we've returned to simple efficiency -- but back in the 1950s, style went into everything, all the way down to the knobs. Just look at that huge molded star surrounding an otherwise plain knob -- it looks like if you grab the doorknob wrong, you're risking a slashed palm and one less finger than you're accustomed to. Extreme care was needed when opening doors in the fifties. Here's some close-ups of other examples:


I'm rather disappointed at how they cheated: there's only 5 distinct plates here...they rotated the square one 45°, they added a background for the rectangle grid and star. I can't imagine these are the only options -- there had to be something at least as gaudy. It's sad to think that these were so utterly, overpoweringly 1950s, that they all went in the dump shortly thereafter. I don't think I've ever seen any of these in the wild, and I've been to a lot of ugly houses. The clean lines of modernism killed off all the fun.

Have A Coolie Christmas

All you thought you had to worry about was your neighbor with the black lawn jockey...

Included in the Pacific Palisades Holiday Tour was this exotic outdoor decoration that blends East and West. Set on an outdoor patio, the antique rickshaw carries a Santa Claus figure and a collection of brightly wrapped Christmas gifts.

The coolie figure was made of papier mache with an Oriental mask face under his collie hat. This holiday display decorates the home of Mr. and Mrs. James Kalasardo of Pacific Palisades.

Found in the 1959, Better Homes & Gardens' Christmas Ideas.

When Your Plastic Pine Needles Fall...

Here's another version of a tissue paper flower tree, made on last year's tree frame.

Yes, "another version" -- because in this 1959 holiday magazine there's a more, err, traditional tree with tissue paper flowers. I don't honestly know if there is such a thing as a traditional tissue paper blossom decorated Christmas tree... But the other one is huge and I'm saving that one for holiday time. So you get this "diminutive" version, "just right to decorate a dining room or entrance hall table".


I'm not very surprised to find such a "spring posies on a Christmas tree" project; but I am surprised that the last year's artificial tree was plucked of the plastic needles so quickly...

Just in case you need to recycle your artificial tree -- and don't find tissue paper trees anything to sneeze at, here's the pattern & instructions.

Knit Your Own Space Helmet

How sad that, during the sixties, the Soyuz program required its Cosmonettes to knit their own helmet liners:

I can't imagine this was ever comfortable or warm: just look at where the wool touches. Under the chin -- wear a sweater turtleneck, you can at least pull it away or wear something underneath it; in this case, you need it cinched tight. The 'earflaps' go right up to the corner of the eye. A little bit of cat fur on my face drives me crazy, let alone rubbing the only textile made from tiny, tiny needles against the edges of my eyelid. Maybe she knitted her iPod earbuds right into that thing and that's the appeal. It sure ain't the appeal of looking like an astronaut reject.

Golliwogg, Guili-Guili, de Vigny

A vintage ad for Vigny Perfumes, Paris, featuring some fanciful & kitschy perfume bottles.


Shown here are the charming, but oft misunderstood, so they say, Golliwogg perfume "of romance" and Guili-Guili, a fragrance sold as "the tropical god of good fortune" but in truth was Guili-Guili was (according to Perfume Intelligence) named after "the real-life Egyptian illusionist from Alexandria".

While Golliwogg is highly collectible, both as a perfume and a character inspiring annual events, it is found with relative ease; Guili-Guili is much more rare.

Due to age, these bottles often have their labels missing, so along with this vintage ad image, and this image from dgaudit to guide you, look for bottles matching this description from Perfume Intelligence:

Presented in flacon designed by Michel de Brunhoff with the head and foot of the bottle carved from mahogany; the head covered the stopper while the foot held the delicate crystal bottle to stand upright

The ad also mentions other fragrances, such as Chick-Chick, and Vigny lipstick. For more on de Vigny perfumes, see this guide at eBay and this post about Michel de Brunhoff.

Additional Golliwogg de Vigny photos via Rago Arts:

"You're not beautiful, you're not bright, but you're as much wife as a man could want."

From the back cover of Claudia, by Rose Franken; cover painting by Bob Abbett. Via Flickr.



Interesting note: No matter what this book suggests, Pyramid Books did not get their name from piles of poo (as in 'the puppy left a pyramid in the corner').

In Lieu Of Cards, Send Art

Why send a card, when you could send art? Why send it as a paper gift, when they are suitable for framing?



By Jellygnite at Etsy.

Pink Elephant Hang-Over

From Spuzz Light Year at LJ's vintage Magic in Frosting book, found via Planet Fabulon.

I Spend My Saturday Nights Reading Old Magazines

Yes, I do read the old magazines, not just mock the pictures. It's a grand way to relax after a frantic day at the auctions.

Lurking within the pages of the November 1957 issue of Good Housekeeping was this snippet on Foible Spotters:


Reading it -- and then again, out loud, to hubby -- I couldn't stop giggling; especially at this:

Two foible spotters extraordinary (they spot their own as well as other people's) have new books out this fall that deserve your attention. Sylvia Wright's Get Away from Me with Those Christmas Gifts and Jean Kerr's Please Don't Pick the Daisies...

Now the title of Wright's book had me rolling. It struck me as funny, this fear of Christmas gifts, but also it was odd as I'd never previously heard of Wright's books yet Kerr's book can literally be purchased by the pound (and for a dime, at that).

When curious, turn to the Internets.

A quick search and I discovered that Wright's book is a collection of essays, including the titular work which appeared in Harper's, December, 1952. From this work Wright is heralded by some as the 'foible spotter' to credit with the anti-commercialization of Christmas.

Only they don't say it so nicely.

Like Stephen Bayley who wrote that Wright was also:

a connoisseur of Yuletide horror. Her splendid 1957 collection of essays, Get away from me with those Christmas gifts!, has an urgent title which nicely captures the damaging psychoses stimulated in the pious and puritanical during this time of brainless excess and bogus ritualised jollity. What can be more depressing than an electric pepper mill? Christmas gifts are, by definition, things we do not need.

Sheesh. I'll get back to that another time -- and no, I'm not avoiding it because as Bayley would accuse, I'm suffering from a "clear correlation between a taste for decoration and poor education." I'm just not in the mood to get side-tracked at the moment.

Back to Wright.

Also in her book, Wright apparently coined the term Mondegreen, which is basically the explanation behind why some folks sing Scuse me, while I kiss this guy while listening to Hendrix. (Though this is one of the more noted examples of such misheard phrases or mondegreens, there is evidence to support your friend's claim that he's singing what Jimi did.)

And I would have known none of this if I didn't waste spend my Saturday nights reading old magazines.

Cute As A Bug

If you're not, your parents will force you to be by making you participate in the beauty rituals of the times.


Cuz let's face it; this little Beautybyg hairdryer, with all its appliques, isn't for the kid to enjoy -- it's to make it more fun for the parents who will have to put the effort into shaping and molding their little girl into the perfect beauty they -- and society -- will love.

And even if she remains ugly, well, at least the parents can prove they did everything they could.

High-Five Fridays #5

1) William at Hang Fire Books overheard this conversation between two Salvation Army workers.

2) I mock a lot of crafts here, but as you've likely expected I am also charmed by many too -- I must be at some level to save all the stuff I do. *wink* For those who admit their problem hobby, check out Vintage Craft Patterns for free old instructions.

3) Somewhat related is Make. It's not always 'old' but it's of the same DIY spirit that you see in Popular Mechanics, Work Basket etc.

4) High-fives in general to coisas do arco da velha "bizarre - burlesque - freaks - circus - kitsch - pulp - mexico". Don't worry, it's in English -- but even ifin t'weren't, you'd enjoy the images & understand it all the same. (Like you understand what I say here half the time anyway.)

5) Most of you probably know of the Vintage Ad community at LiveJournal, but it's worth a high-five for its continued dedication.

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13 Retro Nylon Netting... Nightmares?

Got lots of netting and a hankering for cutesy critter madness -- but lacking the imagination or instruction necessary to get started? Well, kiddos, this is your lucky day...

1) Nylon Net Novelties (1967) is 23 pages of kitschy retro goodness, sure to keep you busy for hours and hours -- with the added benefit of annoying everyone you know by giving them all your 'handicrafted' offspring.


I know you're all dying to see more of the poodle.

But it's my blog, so we're paging through this my way.

As expected, there are lots of pink frothy things, like topiaries and other centerpieces, for bridal and baby showers. (Since this is the 1960's, yes, the order matters.)

Frankly, upon first seeing the cover, I had little hope for this old craft publication... Too much frilly pink. Even for this kitschy girl. Combined with the memories of seeing such frilly, yet faded, netting nightmares, I remembered that their true function seems to be the ability to retain dust. Grandma dusted, perhaps around her tea cup collection, but I'd actually seen her lift and shake the (once) pink topiary. But it still smelled and made me sneeze. Perhaps these nasty-netting things were the inspiration for early dusting tools...

Oh, Hazel, Hazel Pearson, founder of Hazel Pearson Handicrafts, what have you done?

Like the Rolling Stones, all this sickness and I could suck a...



2) Duck.

OoooOOoh, feather options!

(See what I mean? A feather duster.)

3) The obligatory Net Santa.



I thought Santa had some sort of fungal infection in his eyes, but after perusing the crafting instructions it seems that those large orbs are 'cheeks' not 'eyes'. The eyes, in fact, are actually nothing more than lashes... Go ahead, click and look at the larger scan if you don't believe me. So it's no wonder we are confused that the balls we see are not eyeballs.

All I know is, if I put that up during the Christmas holiday season, none of my kids would dare to stay up late and see him -- and be on the 'Naughty' list? Hyeell no.

But it gets worse.

4) Meet the candy-ass clown.


I don't just say that because of my dislike and fear of clowns (one clown did try to kill me), but I say it because this clown has netted body -- including his tush -- designed to be filled with candy.

Mmmm Mmm, dusty candy.

5) Up next, a ballerina -- and the more curious elephant.


I know I'm simple, but I'm confused by the two-sentence set of instructions:

For party-time fun "Pink Elephant, of white foam, is secured to a base trimmed with wide net ruffles. Pearlized grapes add a gay touch.

OK, so the pink elephant is made of white foam... Color issues aside, were there once just rows of elephant foam forms? (And try to say that quickly on the phone while frantic for such supplies.)

Call me crazy, but how low-brow was crafting then that a project had less steps than assembling something from IKEA? Wouldn't it just be easier, and more creative, to take juniors stuffed toy, wrap a ribbon or ruffle around it, and smack it down in the center of the table?

6) I won't lie to you. The only reason this next one is here is because I have a thing for storks. (See part of my stork collection here.)


7) I honestly did spare you pages of wedding & anniversary hearts, nosegays, and umbrellas, but these baby shower centerpieces needed to be seen.

Besides, 'highly flammable' and the obvious 'kitsch' tag, what else would you call these? They hold the same creepy fascination for me as taxidermy. And that means I might rubber-neck, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to make one.

Come to think of it, nominating yourself to do the shower decorations with this booklet in hand, and you might find yourself never having to do anything but bring chips to every gathering you attend -- for the rest of your life.

7a) What should be here is a page on how to make a table skirt of netting for a wedding reception. I didn't scan & post it because if you can't figure that out, well, I've got a paper bag for you to try to find your way out of.

8) Here we have a 'soap fish' and 'peacock soap' -- don't ask me why the names are the way they are... Perhaps it is because the fish is so simple, twist netting around a small soap and glue some googly-eyes on it (yeah, yeah, some sequins too), that the emphasis should be on the soap. Which would make the more elaborate peacock more for advanced netters. (Certainly more sophisticated than the table cloth.)



9) Next up is the the poodle. Don't get all excited now; I wasn't even going to share this scan with you. For some reason I just didn't think you'd be worthy of Lu-Lu The Poodle. If you've ever been in a thrift store you've seen lots of Lu-Lus who need homes... Do you have any idea how many Lu-Lus are euthanized each year because none of you adopt them?

But, there, beneath Lu-Lu was a loo-loo of another sort.


10) Yup, that's Charlie the Caterpillar. Isn't that sad? That someone would be so lacking in imagination they wouldn't be able to roll netting up and glue a face on it without instructions?

...But we aren't done yet. Not with crafty netting; not with sadness.

If you thought instructions for Charlie and a netting table cloth overlay were sad -- or even just 'filler' to get to 23 pages -- you've no idea what's next.

There, beneath the topiary...



11) The 'Peony Scouring Pad', no matter how high and fancy its pedestal is, is laugh-out-loud funny.

I know this isn't any different in design that the bath puffs we all use with our shower gel -- but not even Dove calls it a 'Peony'. And while that netting is scratchy, is it tougher than Chore Boy or steel wool? Really?

What a horrible, horrible shower gift. I buy a place setting or a high chair for this shower and I get this?!

May I trade it for your caterpillar, please? Because I don't want what's coming up.


12) I'm guessing just posting the phrase 'net monkey' here is going to result in some Internet searchers to be frustrated... I don't know what it means, but I'm pretty sure those darn kids do; and it probably isn't pretty. But then neither is this nylon netting monkey.

My brother-in-law says that any words ending in 'k e y' are funny (go ahead, say 'monkey' and 'donkey' and you'll see he's onto something there), but this monkey, by virtue of his 'net' status, is creepy. Worthy of display near any dead animal art -- or, perhaps, some would say, part of my creepy doll collection. But I just don't think I could put Net Monkey next to Big Toe Joe. Not and feel good about it, anyway.

13) Last, I'll leave you with Net Bunny. Note, he is not the Easter Bunny; one assumes that he has many more functions to attend & perform.



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It's 2008, But Not For Everyone

Remember Brendan Fraser in Blast From the Past?

Well, Brian aka Ted Valentino (who is nearly as cute at Brendan) has completely decorated his home to look as if his home had been preserved for since the 1950's in a bomb shelter.

Before I show you, I must mention that I found Brian/Ted's site via Planet Fabulon -- Thom, consider yourself Kitsch-Slapped. You too, Brian/Ted. (And feel free to grab the Kitsch-Slapped icon from the sidebar.)

OK, now just look at the retro kitschy goodness!

Nauga Monster

Via Flickr's Nauga Monster Group:



For more, see: The Birth (and near death) of an ugly celebrity spokesman: The Nauga!

Big Boy Eventually Lost To An Even Bigger Steak

Chickens will devour McDonald's. Film at 11.

Via Flickr.

Bronk's Cowboy Liquor Store

From the Infomercantile: Bronk's Package Store. It was located in downtown Fargo, at the intersection of Old US 10 and Old US 81, guaranteeing any off-the-interstate traveller would drive by it. Still not enough attention? Slap a bajillion rustic cowboy things stolen off the set of a 60s TV western, and you'll be in business. Sadly, it was gon