Who Invited The Chubby Girl? (Or, She Was Happier Because She Could Eat)

Via Flickr.

One Word:

Hippo.

Before Wonka, The Umpa Loompas Made Coats

Naturally, they would have to change the spelling of their names from Umpa Lumpa to Oompa Loompa.

Vintage ads for Umpa furs, via eBay (1 & 2).

D-12 Handbag

six-sided, quasi-cubic purses are so last week -- dodecahedral handbags are where it's at:


And, what you see above isn't your average, every-day dodecahedral bag; it's modeled after a 12-sided roleplaying dice. As a bag you can carry your dice around in. I worry that this is the project of some mad dice-based supervillain (like Clock King, but more...dicey), and Batman needs to be notified promptly.

13 Funky Images & Kitschy Phrases From A Vintage Dry Cleaning Booklet

13 Funky Images & Kitschy Phrases From A Vintage Dry Cleaning Booklet
(And It's Cooler Than You Think!)

All images & quotes are from the November 1953 issue of Silhouette, a promotional paper pushing (surprise!) dry cleaning.

1)

2) Two For Dreaming was a feature on holiday gowns.



3) It features a poetry-jam which romanticizes fashion as it eroticizes & enslaves women:

It starts with Thanksgiving... the party nights that are strung like glittering jewels on a chain... ending only when the echoes of the New Year have faded to silvery whispers. You will spin across polished floors--the answer to someone's most intimate dreams--in the timeless femininity of a beautiful ball dress. You will choose white for its kinship to new-fallen snow... or pale blue for tis affinity to a wintry scene. And you will see that your lovely gown does things for you... like moulding your bodice with a tempter's touch... whirling your skirt for the grace of the dance... making you the most distinguished memory a man can know.

Damn, that's hot. So hot that I don't really register all the "you will" commands as I am brainwashed into wanting a beautiful ball gown... and to polish those floors. Just to be the answer to someone's most intimate dreams!

I will choose white.

Or pale blue. I haven't quite decided yet.

But then there are other choices.

4) Like what to do about fur... It's a VIP (very important pelt), and even if I go faux, there are many things to consider. Like which ones are kindest to my dry cleaner. Thank goodness I can read Fashion Moves Furward for some help. (And more puns!)

5)



6) In Hair Today... Glamour Tomorrow, by Eleanor Page Hamilton, I get more than the usual tips for setting curls and figuring out how to part my hair for my face shape -- I get this gem:

Arthur "Bugs" Baer -- and I quote -- says, "Nothing drabbles a doll more than soggy bangs." He claims he knows a gal who has such a neurosis about this that she wears a rubber bathing cap whenever she makes cocktails. Okay, so maybe she is a character!

I can't possibly add anything to that. Really. Just feel free to work all of that into conversation at your Fourth of July celebrations.

7)


8) From The Top Drawer includes this bit of knowledge:

Department Of Nothing New: Feminine witchery in the form of knee-hugging breeches is just another steal from the masculine world. In case you care, men of distinction wore tight-laced knee pants, call culottes, in 1735.

Son of a breech! Did this publication aimed at women just accuse the very same of witchery & pantsing men?

Please return to the tempter's touch...

9)


10) On Your Feet continues the puns and enlightens us regarding shoes. The top shoe there, the 'golden sandals' (as if we can see that in black & white), were designed for "the glamorous Queen Elizabeth". You don't hear that phrase much anymore.

11) In Permanent Reminders we learn to employ pipe cleaners to catch the "short wisps at the nape of your neck" when giving yourself a home permanent.

Huh. Dames and dolls were to use the professional services of a dry cleaner, but eschew those of the professional salon.

12)



13) King Cord. It's no joke.

No wonder the touch of corduroy is like a gentle kiss on the fingertips -- it once was the rainment of royalty. It originated in the court of France and became known as cord du roi -- cord of kings.

The idea of an entire royal court swoosh-swoosh-swooshing from corduroy is hysterical. Especially the French.

Did they also invent the pearlized snap for shirts? That goes great with cords.



The End.


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This Is How You Get Yer Bike On

Via La Meow.

Vintage French Maidenform Ad Features Vulcan Model

Via eBay.

That 70's Purse Comes A-Calling

New old stock vintage 70's Dallas Handbags Telephone purse:

Shiny black vinyl embossed to replicate alligator, the handle of the purse is the phone handset.

A large and roomy size, it measures 14 2/3" long and 12" high, not including the handle. The bag has a long shoulder strap.

Never used, the hang tag instructions are still attached, the original paper stuffing is still in the bag and the cellophane wrapper is still on the handset (removed for the pictures). The bag is in mint condition and has the telephone cord included. And, yes it does work, tested it.

Never Too Dated

We mean that this photo has classic elegance which appears timeless; we're pretty sure the model had lots & lots of dates.

Only 2 Weeks Until The 4th Of July...

Mothers, have you made your matching outfits?

It's Always Something: Teen Dares Of 1971

In January of '71, Teen dared us to do some radical things, like decorate our rooms, to use Kool-Aid labels to decorate our shoes...


And to braid our hair, Bo Derek style -- in precisely 20 braids.

I did that once. Well, I had my sister braid my hair, using those tiny rubber bands which were supposed to be for our braces; and I don't think we ever bothered to count the braids...

Anyway, while I looked nothing like Bo, I wore my hair thus to the one and only car race I went to. On a dirt track.

I was so bored, and annoyed by being sprayed with dirt every turn, that I busied myself with unbraiding my hair, and soon looked like Roseanne Roseannadanna.


Just imagine trying to wash the chunks of dirt out of that.

Like the two-tone lip freak-fest, I do not advise the braiding of hair; it can lead to drinking the Kool-Aid proffered by cults.

But then, hey, your sister can make some cool shoes.

More Tees, Please

Free Shipping on all orders at Karmaloop! Use code LINKSHIP. Offer valid through 3.31.08

Crumb On Your Shirt? Boy Howdy!

Robert Crumb designed this symbol of Creem magazine. Now you can put it on your bod.

Vintage Holiday Dress-Up Aprons

Here are frivolous aprons that look more at home in the living room than the kitchen. They're enlivened with all sorts of sparkling trims and are designed to go to a party.

From a 1959 Better Homes & Gardens Christmas Ideas magazine, this four page spread on Dress-up aprons made for holiday giving -- complete as shown with patterns. (Click to see large scans.) And, before I forget, check out my article at CQ: Collecting Female Uniforms: Vintage Aprons.

Fun With 13 Images From a Dutch Household Encyclopedia

Having Fun With 13 Images From a Dutch Household Encyclopedia

Found at Flickr, without any text or descriptive info, we might as well enjoy them by adding our own meanings...

1) Hey, look at you! You're really growing-up and the talk of the town. It's time to start looking for a mate or before you know it you'll be one of those old maids!



2) Beauty begins now. Best start preparing your own rituals of lotions & potions to preserve in wax what you can of your youth.



3) You might need some guidance and help with determining your own beauty needs. Then, as now, the rule remains: All the best hairdressers are gay.



4) How does she stay so fair?


Hats with brims rounder & wider than her derriere.

5) Remember, hats must match the purse.



6) Maintaining your figure is important. "Wide" is not lovely, but protrusion is.


An improbably large and pointy bosom a-top a whisper of waist is as important as a bodonkadonk bottom.

7) Remember, men appreciate require a woman who is obedient. Think back to your poodle and practice prancing to please your own master!


Remember, you'll need to learn his personal preferences so that when he says, "Jump!" you'll know just how high.

8) Advice on selecting a mate continues.


Should you suffer from large, wide, puffy hips, try to find a mate with an enormous head. While walking side-by-side, your hips will seem more naturally sized in the shadow of his out of proportion head.


9) We've all heard the sordid tales of babies who do not look like their daddies... But sometimes babies will not look like their mommies. Don't ask; just let it pass.



10) Any frustration you have can be released by shopping. Let the distraction of matching accessories -- and his department store bill -- be your consolation.



11) A word on dads and childrearing... Dads do not rear their children.


It is so unlikely that even the artist drew a question mark by the little girl's potty.

12) Should you ever see such things, rest assured they are hallucinations -- and seek medical attention. Your doctor will know what to do and prescribe just the right pills for your ills.



13) Should it all ever become too much for you, slip your pills into his dinner -- just be sure not to give little Johnny the same Special Daddy Dish!




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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Modern Woman Monday: Accessories

Accessories are important to the modern woman. Shoes & a matching purse, gloves...


And a spare head.

Just in case modern life should cause you to lose yours.

From the As She Was Flickr Group.

The Girl Most Likely To...

She is most likely to:

a) Let the boys go all the way.

b) Spend a year visiting an 'aunt' -- she'll return a little chunky, a little blue, but she'll have nothing much to say about her visit.

c) Be on uppers.

d) Be on downers.

e) All of the above.

Grading will not be on a curve. Extra credit will be given in Get Out! Awards.