Where Did The National Enquirer Go In 1978?

Sure, I've been mocking the 1979 National Enquirer bits, but have I ever really considered just how far the National Enquirer has gone? No, I don't mean the depths of hell, the limits of decency -- I mean on the map.



All for me!

Oh, the quality reporting! Logging 1,183,338 miles, they went to London to cover the world's first test tube baby and even went to Guyana twice in '78 to cover the Jamestown suicides.

And don't you go thinking they just sent 'reporters' to Alaska to gather information about "secret Soviet psychic research" -- they went to Moscow too.

Once, I Could've Learned To Care For Him

But that was ten years ago.


More from Calling All Girls, December, 1945.

Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Linda Blair

An article in the February 13, 1979 National Enquirer by Donald McLachlan warns, "Cocaine Sniffing by Celebrities Blamed For Soaring Use of Drugs by Youngsters."

"The kids see photographs of them wearing coke spoons as decorations around their necks. They read of stars like Louise Lasser and Linda Blair getting into trouble over coke... Kieth Richard of The Rolling Stones being arrested in Canada... comedian George Kirby going to jail for dealing it."

And where would the kids of 1979 see such photos and read such stories? Oh yeah, the National Enquirer.

Then again, who believes anything in the National Enquirer?

But if McLachlan and the National Enquirer really believed that peer pressure or the cool-kid factor were so strong, why didn't they stop publishing the stories -- or advise that parents keep the rag away from their kids.

Maybe the National Enquirer should use the tagline: Promoting the coke spoon & harming your kids since (at least) the 70's.

Correcting Ill-Shaped Noses At Home

And where else would you do it?



An ad in Beautiful Womanhood, Edited by Mrs. Bernarr MacFadden, November, 1923.

Hankie History To Sneeze At?

In Modern Woman Magazine (Vol 14, No 5, 1945), a little snippet on hankies:

Historians credit Marie Antoinette with the invention of the pocket handkerchief. She was so broken up at leaving her home in Austria that she cried all the way to France and wiped her eyes with bits of lace torn from her dress and lingerie. Anticipating future tears, she made it a point always to have a piece of lace tucked in a pocket of her dress. This, say the historians, was how handkerchiefs were born.

I don't know if this is true, even if it is said that Marie-Antoinette made an observation that a square handkerchief is most convenient and pleasing, and so King Louis XVI published a decree ordering the new lengths.

In any case, because of this, I do not think it's right that we sneeze, tear, snot or otherwise 'goo' onto hankies with French motifs, including but not limited to, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, the Statue of Liberty, or French language.

Like Hover Cars For Kitchens

In 1945, foot pedals were the fantasy future of kitchens.

FOOT PEDALS will operate many of the labor-saving devices which will be ours in the kitchen of tomorrow. Here the housewife prepares vegetables in the future kitchen, while her little daughter has opened a bin which tilts to throw the vegetables forward. By operating the foot pedals for water in the sink, the housewife has her hands free. The splash board back of the sink is self illuminating when raised, and lowers flush with the working bench at right to form a buffet bar.

From What's Cooking For Tomorrow's Kitchens, by Joseph Lawren, in Modern Woman, Vol 14, No 5, 1945' photograph from Libby-Owens-Ford's "Kitchen of Tomorrow".

"Don't You Know There's A Peace On?"

More lingo from the "Jabberwocky and Jive" column in Calling All Girls, December, 1945.

The Corn Is Green -- And 1945's Knee-Deep In It

In Calling All Girls (December, 1945), Nancy Pepper, Fashion Editor, has a kitschy column called "Jabberwocky and Jive". This bit is teaches the not-so-cool kids on the cool lingo the kids were using that day based on Hollywood.

Here are some of my favorites (you can click the image to read the larger scan).

B 'n B -- That's what you call them if they're Co-Starring of Going Steady, on account of they're a Bogie 'n Bacall.

HI, VAN--HOW'S JOHNSON? -- Instead of plain "Hi." There are lots of them -- like "Hi, Garson -- how's Pidgeon?"

HEAVENLY HURD -- A smooth boy. Inspired by the Man of your Screams in "Dorian Gray."

CROON ANOTHER, CROSBY -- Means "Tell me more."

THE CORN IS GREEN -- You say that when anyone tells a corny story.

They Made A Tape For That

This tip from a reader, published in The Farmer (Dakota Edition, September 3, 1960), advises the use of cellophane tape for trimming bangs.



But they made a tape for that. I remember it distinctly as "the pink tape with the zig-zag ends which looked like it was cut with a pinking shears"; which meant it was very difficult to find on the Internet. (You're welcome, surfers who are also searching by such memories.)



I think my mom used that tape to make those curls by her ears which were oh-so-fashionable in the 60's. Those curls are called "guiche" -- and apparently each type of curl had a name. So now you can identify which kind of curl it was that that little girl has in the middle of her forehead. (And pray it's not The Fishhook!)

Funny thing is, I don't remember my mom using the tape to cut our hair... And our bangs were often a crooked mess, usually running in a diagonal line along our foreheads. Ah, good times.

Dad said she put a bowl on our heads to give us a trim and that she never bothered to monitor & straighten the bowl. I don't remember that. I just cringe when I see the photos.

If you pester me, I may make the time to find & scan a few for you.

When Illustrations Collide

Jay Hyde Barnum's illustration of a sexy songbird with a lifted hem shares the page with an ad for Perfect Circle Triple-Action piston rings.



The incongruity of such juxtaposition of pinup with what I lovingly call 'racing troll babies' makes me stare long and hard at this vintage magazine page for clues... At first I thought sex appeal was being applied by Perfect Circle, but the three babies, a regular gimmick used by the company, are drawn by Pete Hawley. Why the editors decided to print the pinup facing the ad is unknown to me -- but I'm sure it helped Perfect Circle sell piston rings.

How Much Is Your Spare Time Worth?

You can earn up to $1.50 an hour, representing Curtis Publishing. Or at least you could according to this old ad.


This ad was a lot funnier pre-financial melt-down, when I found & scanned it. Now we're all just wondering if we'll be lucky enough to make a $1.50 an hour.

James Brown In National Geographic

Heh. Made you look. ...But if you read the text, it really could be him because "the Machiguenga refused to reveal their names; the men called this one Marino." So maybe James Brown traveled as Marino to avoid the crowds.

Why Other Countries Hate It When McDonald's Comes To Town

Kids in Japan beggin' for the toys in Happy Meals.



Photo from a 1986 National Geographic magazine.

"Gee, Mom, Them's An Important Collection!"

An article published in The American Home, October, 1942, extolling the virtues of & importance in collecting as a child -- no matter how cluttered it makes their room.


Click the image to read the scan of this still wonderfully appropriate advice by Clifford Parcher.

Quick, What Decade Is It?

We're a bit confused because the last time Mackenzie Phillips made headlines it was... well, for the same thing -- drugs.


We're sure that Mackenzie really wishes she had traded places with Marlene Dietrich back in 1976. Marlene was still alive then; so trading now, while it may alleviate some of today's problems, really isn't a good idea.

Scrap Rug Fun - Doggy Tissue Cover

From the February, 1971, issue of Pack-O-Fun, instructions to make a doggie tissue box cover. (This is actually practical too because cutting up old rugs is sure to make you -- and others -- sneeze.)

1959 Top Secret Magazine

I just published this article on vintage gossip magazines, and already folks are emailing me asking for more scans of the pages... Beg me, and perhaps I'll go through the trouble *wink*

Back When Paper Publishing Had Profits To Spare

You know there had to be BIG money in publishing magazines back in 1960 when The Saturday Evening Post gave sent you a bowling ball in the mail just for soliciting four subscriptions.



I know we're talking 1960's postage, but still -- it's a freakin' bowling ball.

It would have been cheaper to mail folks a voucher along with the authorization, but I guess they made enough money from the advertisers -- the ones I mock here relentlessly.

It's April 30, 1960; Do You Know Where You Are?

From The Saturday Evening Post, comes the double-dog-dare, "Where Do You Think You Are?"

East or West, North or South, each of the distinctive areas above appears on the road map of a single state. There is, as the saying goes, "no place like it." Can you identify the states?

Harley P. Cook

Think you know your 1960's maps? (Or perhaps it is more accurate to say 1950's maps...) Maybe you're just a smarty pants. Whatever. Post your (however well-educated) guesses. I'll post the answers later in the week.

7/16/08 Update -- With The Answers!
(complete with 1960 state abbreviations, for that full-bodied retro taste)

1. Mass
2. Colo
3. Mo.
4. Wis.
5. Idaho
6. N.J.
7. Iowa
8. Ariz.
9. Va.
10. Me.
11. S.C.
12. Wash.

Looks like Jason was right - congrats, map geek.

Second Place Steve was just 5 minutes off; story of his life, ey.