Hoidy Toidy

My, how toilet seat technology has improved: today, you can get barbed wire embedded in them, or get ones that add unimaginable degrees of functionality of your regular toilet, but in the sixties you just had appliques:

Realize: this ad is a full-page in the Home Modernizing Guide, full-color, towards the beginning...it cost a lot of scratch to get your fractal fleur-de-lis in front of someone just dying to replace their already uncomfortable hard toilet seat with something exactly the same -- except for a little image on the cover. This, in 1965, was "a step up to a new high in bathroom elegance" -- which leads me to believe that American Standard thought the previous level of bathroom elegance was simply having a toilet seat to cover the hole.



Yup, that's all of them -- "delicate sea horses...gay bouquets...golden fleur-de-lis...handsome arabesque arrangements" -- molded into the cover with raised detail, so that as you're scrubbing the seat down you won't rub off the sea horses. I don't think I've ever lived used a potty with pictures on the seats; any sort of brownish, greenish details are off-putting to me, but those seem to be the key colors here. In the sixties and seventies, harvest gold and olive green were de rigeur home interior colors, but I can't imagine why anyone thought they'd be good toilet colors. I guess I shouldn't talk; our toilet seat is a plain-old white model...if only I could rub my bare butt on one of these fine examples of bathroom elegance, I'd change my tune.

Craft-Scan Friday: Get Yer Space-Age Santas Here

Remember the 60's and how they promised us a future of hover cars and jet-pack travel? Well, some of us do, anyway. The rest of you can put down your Tommee Tippee cups and see why the rest of us all believed so hard.

See, our moms were busy creating space-age Christmases. Just like Ethel Peterson who had covered the face of her clock (now at a thrift shop near you) with a half-circle of gold-flocked cardboard. "Stars, pasted onto the blue crepe paper, give 'sky' effect."



Pretty potent stuff, merging forever, the idea of travel, space, and free gifts.

Here Santa rides a rocket -- which they call a "jet" ("cut from linoleum rolls and covered with shelf paper, then painted"). Not only better than that, a reindeer rests on the rings of Saturn.



What the heck can be better than typing "a reindeer rests on the rings of Saturn"? Seeing it. I can't wait to make hundreds for next year's holiday craft fair.

Retro Manners Refresher

(The First) Thirteen Comments On Social Awareness Tips

"From Refresh Your Table Manners", by Luella Cuming, 1964 Family Circle.

1-5 Rules for informal meals:

At an informal seated meal the hostess may pass dishes from a serving cart at her immediate left; she then serves herself last.

Jeeze, I'd hate to see the formal rules. What direction does the hostess pass? Does it suck to be left-handed then, and if so, does it suck more than serving yourself last when you know there's not going to be enough because the husband brought home 3 extra buddies?

The cart holds a water pitcher, extra silver, glasses, napkins, and any other items that may be needed during the meal. If an item is dropped by a guest, the hostess replaces it from the cart without comment.

Without comment you say... That would kill quite a bit of dinner conversation, wouldn't it? And in my family, we'd drop 'em on purpose, just to force a comment.

If you drop your fork and the hostess doesn't notice, you may use any other fork that is there -- or, without explanation, say to your hostess, "May I please have a fork?"

I agree; if the hostess doesn't notice you (how rude!), by all means, grab the meat serving fork and start shoveling.

Ever notice how the lowly spoon and knife are left out of the discussion? I'd say 67% of all utensils dropped at the table are knives.

Or maybe it's some sort of passive-aggressive thing in my family and the knives aren't really 'dropped' at all...

Movin' on...


6 Passing Food

When you help yourself to food or pass it, hold the dish from underneath so that you do not leave fingerprints on the rim.

(Will keep this PG-13. Will keep this PG-13...)

7 Hey, look, the etiquette lady apparently doesn't believe in grammar; there is no period or other punctuation at the end of most of these tips.

8-10 Yeah, Luella is only on tip number 3, but then I told you that this was 13 comments on the tips; so I'm way ahead of her.

In buffet dining, the hostess stands beside the table and encourages shy guests or offers to serve them.

You have guests too shy to eat? Isn't this one of those survival of the fittest things where we should just let nature take its course?

And what side does the hostess stand on?

Do not overload your plate; it looks unattractive and is hard to manage.

Was this 1964 B.C. -- Before Chinet?

This, though, would explain the shy people who wonder how much food on a plate is unattractive.

11-13 And now for your holy crap moment...

In table manners there are many accepted forms, all equally correct. For example, the continental fashion of eating

The continental fashion of eating? That's how people eat breakfast at hotels, right?

and the zigzag style are equally proper.

Um... Time for a little help here.

OK, I do not zigzag; I am officially a continental styled gal.

If you have your own tradition, try to develop its fine points. The suggestions here are in a widely accepted American tradition

What? No mention of how piggy eats?! Well, I guess that American tradition -- or at least its finer points -- really didn't come into full acceptance until Ralphie's brother Randy showed us in a Christmas Story in 1983.



To be continued...

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Have A Coolie Christmas

All you thought you had to worry about was your neighbor with the black lawn jockey...

Included in the Pacific Palisades Holiday Tour was this exotic outdoor decoration that blends East and West. Set on an outdoor patio, the antique rickshaw carries a Santa Claus figure and a collection of brightly wrapped Christmas gifts.

The coolie figure was made of papier mache with an Oriental mask face under his collie hat. This holiday display decorates the home of Mr. and Mrs. James Kalasardo of Pacific Palisades.

Found in the 1959, Better Homes & Gardens' Christmas Ideas.

When Your Plastic Pine Needles Fall...

Here's another version of a tissue paper flower tree, made on last year's tree frame.

Yes, "another version" -- because in this 1959 holiday magazine there's a more, err, traditional tree with tissue paper flowers. I don't honestly know if there is such a thing as a traditional tissue paper blossom decorated Christmas tree... But the other one is huge and I'm saving that one for holiday time. So you get this "diminutive" version, "just right to decorate a dining room or entrance hall table".


I'm not very surprised to find such a "spring posies on a Christmas tree" project; but I am surprised that the last year's artificial tree was plucked of the plastic needles so quickly...

Just in case you need to recycle your artificial tree -- and don't find tissue paper trees anything to sneeze at, here's the pattern & instructions.

Just Like A Man -- And A Woman

Just Like A Man was a Family Circle column by Byron Fish; the following appeared in the November 1964 issue of the magazine.

A boy can't learn too soon that in math, as in most subjects, there is a male and a female way to work things out. After a lesson in feminine-gender arithmetic my son figures that when it comes to higher powers of reasoning, men are squares.

First up, gender punctuation:

"You are inquiring into a mystery unsolved by man. From the time a female learns to write, she is convinced that exclamation points were invented to be used. She even feels they will go to waste unless they are put into sentences."

That's so not true!!

Regarding ellipsis...

The boy asks, "How about those dots in there?"

The father responds:

Dots sometimes are used for a specific purpose in the neuter, or masculine, gender. If you find a long row of them apparently just thrown in, they are feminine gender."

My husband would have a field day with this... He abhors my continual use of ellipsis...

I, in return, must counter by pointing out that this article is proof that everything is considered masculine unless noted as feminine (and that feminine is lower in status). I'm just sayin'...


"Men teachers probably are told during their training to allow for the more complicated punctuation by girl pupils." :sigh: I suppose I should just be happy there was no mention of retarded or intolerant women teachers.

Then again... no mention of female teachers is rather sexist -- I mean, "It's rather sexist!"

Now we move onto gender in 'rithmetic.



The boy gets the correct answer, but dad makes an ambiguous statement...

So dad needs to explain female math.

"Particularly if he is married." Yuck it up, Byron.



Oh, and it all ends with a cute little story of the little woman besting "daddy". How quaint.

:snarl:

If you'd prefer to read the column in its entirety as it appeared:

1959 Disneyland Candle Shop

From the 1959 Better Homes & Gardens' Christmas Ideas magazine comes this photo of Disneyland's candle shop.

Mrs. Robert Beals, and her daughter Jani, find the choice of candles fantastic and a difficult decision to make. Which one shall it be?

Well, of course it's difficult to pick just one -- even if you are allowed to be known by your own name and not as your husband's property.

I never just pick one candle. Hence I am not only a huge boon the hostess of the home candle party, but have been put on candle buying prohibition; I'm not allowed to by any more candles.

Hubby thinks having a cabinet designated just for candles is silly. This, even after he's seen my sister has an entire pantry just for candles -- which should prove that I'm really deprived, not depraved, as he believes.

Thursday Thirteen: Hello, 1964!

13 More Magazine Scans To Mock, From The Year I Was Born
(I skipped TT last week here, so you can't be sick of me.)

#1 Musical Jump Rope with clown head handles?! No matter how fast you skip and run, those clowns follow you!



#2 Amazing any of the Breck's solitaire game boards, made of "feather-light Dylite" (aka Styrofoam) survived. (I know they have, every once and awhile I spot them at thrift stores -- even without being in a box. Which means someone had to carry it in gingerly, separately, from the other donated goods. Amazing.)



#4 Vicks: Where huffing begins.




#5 & 6 For those that believe in the separation of Church & State, 15 Religious Figures and 35 Presidential Statues -- each with their own display.




#7 Arthur Godfrey says Tintex takes the guesswork out of fabric dying.



Now that you've seen the ad, let's talk. What's the deal with this celeb endorsement? Was Godfrey a big ol' butch male crafter -- the Rosey Grier of his time?

(Well, it does look like Godfrey's has his experiences with dying... Look at those splotches on his face.)

#8 Black Eyed Suzie Flowerkins. I saw her live on stage at CBGB's.



#9 & 10 In an issue of Workbasket we find Women Who Make Cents. Some ingenious gal gives away her secrets for making money by using her left over netting to make hair nets. I'd say selling her business idea to the magazine for $2 is more money than she ever made or would have made from the sale of hair nets, no matter what decade.


Also in this column on ways for women to "add to the family income" are directions for bronzing baby shoes at home:

Fill a pair of baby shoes completely with plaster of Paris. Allow to dry or set. Then spray with gold or bronze paint, giving them 2 or 3 coats. Then sell for $2.50 to $3.50 per pair.

OK, I won't argue the cost v. profit ratio (I'm too lazy to research the cost of baby shoes, plaster of Paris and paint in 1964), but isn't the point of bronzing baby booties to both preserve your own child's booties (memories) and to actually bronze them?

#11 If you can't see the bleach container for the pig and actually need instructions and a pattern to make Pretty Priscilla, perhaps you've moved from huffing Vicks to snorting Clorox.



#12 Royal made a "nutty new flavor" in 1964 -- "a proud new pudding that combines the creaminess of caramel with the crunch of toasted bits of cashews!"



I can't won't am not allowed to speak for pudding pride, but the reasons why I've never hear of caramel-cashew pudding was either:

A) cashew quickly pudding became as pricey as cashmere pudding & out-priced anything in the boxed dessert (including the other Royal flavors, by the case)

or

B) like me, few desired crunchy pudding.

#13 Just when you thought pudding couldn't get any nuttier...

My-T-Fine pudding pushed a pudding and pantyhose promo.



I'm at a bit of a loss here because hubby keeps me to the PG-13 rule, but naturally, when I hear of pudding and pantyhose I think of a control-top -- and a breathable cotton crotch. The ad mentions neither.

Nor does it actually state pantyhose, but rather reads "nylon fashion hosiery." Not that pudding in my stockings sounds much better.

...But now I'm treading on the too-thin PG-13 ice. I don't want to skate the issue; he makes me. You, however, may play with "pudding" and "ladies' hosiery" and "My-T-Fine" and see what you come up with.

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Fun With 13 Images From a Dutch Household Encyclopedia

Having Fun With 13 Images From a Dutch Household Encyclopedia

Found at Flickr, without any text or descriptive info, we might as well enjoy them by adding our own meanings...

1) Hey, look at you! You're really growing-up and the talk of the town. It's time to start looking for a mate or before you know it you'll be one of those old maids!



2) Beauty begins now. Best start preparing your own rituals of lotions & potions to preserve in wax what you can of your youth.



3) You might need some guidance and help with determining your own beauty needs. Then, as now, the rule remains: All the best hairdressers are gay.



4) How does she stay so fair?


Hats with brims rounder & wider than her derriere.

5) Remember, hats must match the purse.



6) Maintaining your figure is important. "Wide" is not lovely, but protrusion is.


An improbably large and pointy bosom a-top a whisper of waist is as important as a bodonkadonk bottom.

7) Remember, men appreciate require a woman who is obedient. Think back to your poodle and practice prancing to please your own master!


Remember, you'll need to learn his personal preferences so that when he says, "Jump!" you'll know just how high.

8) Advice on selecting a mate continues.


Should you suffer from large, wide, puffy hips, try to find a mate with an enormous head. While walking side-by-side, your hips will seem more naturally sized in the shadow of his out of proportion head.


9) We've all heard the sordid tales of babies who do not look like their daddies... But sometimes babies will not look like their mommies. Don't ask; just let it pass.



10) Any frustration you have can be released by shopping. Let the distraction of matching accessories -- and his department store bill -- be your consolation.



11) A word on dads and childrearing... Dads do not rear their children.


It is so unlikely that even the artist drew a question mark by the little girl's potty.

12) Should you ever see such things, rest assured they are hallucinations -- and seek medical attention. Your doctor will know what to do and prescribe just the right pills for your ills.



13) Should it all ever become too much for you, slip your pills into his dinner -- just be sure not to give little Johnny the same Special Daddy Dish!




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The Girl Most Likely To...

She is most likely to:

a) Let the boys go all the way.

b) Spend a year visiting an 'aunt' -- she'll return a little chunky, a little blue, but she'll have nothing much to say about her visit.

c) Be on uppers.

d) Be on downers.

e) All of the above.

Grading will not be on a curve. Extra credit will be given in Get Out! Awards.

Gregory's 60s Bachelor Pad

Gregory has a swingin' bachelor's pad -- not just one room, but the entire rambler is decked out in vintage housewares:

Cute As A Bug

If you're not, your parents will force you to be by making you participate in the beauty rituals of the times.


Cuz let's face it; this little Beautybyg hairdryer, with all its appliques, isn't for the kid to enjoy -- it's to make it more fun for the parents who will have to put the effort into shaping and molding their little girl into the perfect beauty they -- and society -- will love.

And even if she remains ugly, well, at least the parents can prove they did everything they could.

13 Retro Nylon Netting... Nightmares?

Got lots of netting and a hankering for cutesy critter madness -- but lacking the imagination or instruction necessary to get started? Well, kiddos, this is your lucky day...

1) Nylon Net Novelties (1967) is 23 pages of kitschy retro goodness, sure to keep you busy for hours and hours -- with the added benefit of annoying everyone you know by giving them all your 'handicrafted' offspring.


I know you're all dying to see more of the poodle.

But it's my blog, so we're paging through this my way.

As expected, there are lots of pink frothy things, like topiaries and other centerpieces, for bridal and baby showers. (Since this is the 1960's, yes, the order matters.)

Frankly, upon first seeing the cover, I had little hope for this old craft publication... Too much frilly pink. Even for this kitschy girl. Combined with the memories of seeing such frilly, yet faded, netting nightmares, I remembered that their true function seems to be the ability to retain dust. Grandma dusted, perhaps around her tea cup collection, but I'd actually seen her lift and shake the (once) pink topiary. But it still smelled and made me sneeze. Perhaps these nasty-netting things were the inspiration for early dusting tools...

Oh, Hazel, Hazel Pearson, founder of Hazel Pearson Handicrafts, what have you done?

Like the Rolling Stones, all this sickness and I could suck a...



2) Duck.

OoooOOoh, feather options!

(See what I mean? A feather duster.)

3) The obligatory Net Santa.



I thought Santa had some sort of fungal infection in his eyes, but after perusing the crafting instructions it seems that those large orbs are 'cheeks' not 'eyes'. The eyes, in fact, are actually nothing more than lashes... Go ahead, click and look at the larger scan if you don't believe me. So it's no wonder we are confused that the balls we see are not eyeballs.

All I know is, if I put that up during the Christmas holiday season, none of my kids would dare to stay up late and see him -- and be on the 'Naughty' list? Hyeell no.

But it gets worse.

4) Meet the candy-ass clown.


I don't just say that because of my dislike and fear of clowns (one clown did try to kill me), but I say it because this clown has netted body -- including his tush -- designed to be filled with candy.

Mmmm Mmm, dusty candy.

5) Up next, a ballerina -- and the more curious elephant.


I know I'm simple, but I'm confused by the two-sentence set of instructions:

For party-time fun "Pink Elephant, of white foam, is secured to a base trimmed with wide net ruffles. Pearlized grapes add a gay touch.

OK, so the pink elephant is made of white foam... Color issues aside, were there once just rows of elephant foam forms? (And try to say that quickly on the phone while frantic for such supplies.)

Call me crazy, but how low-brow was crafting then that a project had less steps than assembling something from IKEA? Wouldn't it just be easier, and more creative, to take juniors stuffed toy, wrap a ribbon or ruffle around it, and smack it down in the center of the table?

6) I won't lie to you. The only reason this next one is here is because I have a thing for storks. (See part of my stork collection here.)


7) I honestly did spare you pages of wedding & anniversary hearts, nosegays, and umbrellas, but these baby shower centerpieces needed to be seen.

Besides, 'highly flammable' and the obvious 'kitsch' tag, what else would you call these? They hold the same creepy fascination for me as taxidermy. And that means I might rubber-neck, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to make one.

Come to think of it, nominating yourself to do the shower decorations with this booklet in hand, and you might find yourself never having to do anything but bring chips to every gathering you attend -- for the rest of your life.

7a) What should be here is a page on how to make a table skirt of netting for a wedding reception. I didn't scan & post it because if you can't figure that out, well, I've got a paper bag for you to try to find your way out of.

8) Here we have a 'soap fish' and 'peacock soap' -- don't ask me why the names are the way they are... Perhaps it is because the fish is so simple, twist netting around a small soap and glue some googly-eyes on it (yeah, yeah, some sequins too), that the emphasis should be on the soap. Which would make the more elaborate peacock more for advanced netters. (Certainly more sophisticated than the table cloth.)



9) Next up is the the poodle. Don't get all excited now; I wasn't even going to share this scan with you. For some reason I just didn't think you'd be worthy of Lu-Lu The Poodle. If you've ever been in a thrift store you've seen lots of Lu-Lus who need homes... Do you have any idea how many Lu-Lus are euthanized each year because none of you adopt them?

But, there, beneath Lu-Lu was a loo-loo of another sort.


10) Yup, that's Charlie the Caterpillar. Isn't that sad? That someone would be so lacking in imagination they wouldn't be able to roll netting up and glue a face on it without instructions?

...But we aren't done yet. Not with crafty netting; not with sadness.

If you thought instructions for Charlie and a netting table cloth overlay were sad -- or even just 'filler' to get to 23 pages -- you've no idea what's next.

There, beneath the topiary...



11) The 'Peony Scouring Pad', no matter how high and fancy its pedestal is, is laugh-out-loud funny.

I know this isn't any different in design that the bath puffs we all use with our shower gel -- but not even Dove calls it a 'Peony'. And while that netting is scratchy, is it tougher than Chore Boy or steel wool? Really?

What a horrible, horrible shower gift. I buy a place setting or a high chair for this shower and I get this?!

May I trade it for your caterpillar, please? Because I don't want what's coming up.


12) I'm guessing just posting the phrase 'net monkey' here is going to result in some Internet searchers to be frustrated... I don't know what it means, but I'm pretty sure those darn kids do; and it probably isn't pretty. But then neither is this nylon netting monkey.

My brother-in-law says that any words ending in 'k e y' are funny (go ahead, say 'monkey' and 'donkey' and you'll see he's onto something there), but this monkey, by virtue of his 'net' status, is creepy. Worthy of display near any dead animal art -- or, perhaps, some would say, part of my creepy doll collection. But I just don't think I could put Net Monkey next to Big Toe Joe. Not and feel good about it, anyway.

13) Last, I'll leave you with Net Bunny. Note, he is not the Easter Bunny; one assumes that he has many more functions to attend & perform.



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