Thursday, February 14, 2008

13 Retro Nylon Netting... Nightmares?

Got lots of netting and a hankering for cutesy critter madness -- but lacking the imagination or instruction necessary to get started? Well, kiddos, this is your lucky day...

1) Nylon Net Novelties (1967) is 23 pages of kitschy retro goodness, sure to keep you busy for hours and hours -- with the added benefit of annoying everyone you know by giving them all your 'handicrafted' offspring.

I know you're all dying to see more of the poodle.

But it's my blog, so we're paging through this my way.

As expected, there are lots of pink frothy things, like topiaries and other centerpieces, for bridal and baby showers. (Since this is the 1960's, yes, the order matters.)

Frankly, upon first seeing the cover, I had little hope for this old craft publication... Too much frilly pink. Even for this kitschy girl. Combined with the memories of seeing such frilly, yet faded, netting nightmares, I remembered that their true function seems to be the ability to retain dust. Grandma dusted, perhaps around her tea cup collection, but I'd actually seen her lift and shake the (once) pink topiary. But it still smelled and made me sneeze. Perhaps these nasty-netting things were the inspiration for early dusting tools...

Oh, Hazel, Hazel Pearson, founder of Hazel Pearson Handicrafts, what have you done?

Like the Rolling Stones, all this sickness and I could suck a...

2) Duck.

OoooOOoh, feather options!

(See what I mean? A feather duster.)

3) The obligatory Net Santa.

I thought Santa had some sort of fungal infection in his eyes, but after perusing the crafting instructions it seems that those large orbs are 'cheeks' not 'eyes'. The eyes, in fact, are actually nothing more than lashes... Go ahead, click and look at the larger scan if you don't believe me. So it's no wonder we are confused that the balls we see are not eyeballs.

All I know is, if I put that up during the Christmas holiday season, none of my kids would dare to stay up late and see him -- and be on the 'Naughty' list? Hyeell no.

But it gets worse.

4) Meet the candy-ass clown.

I don't just say that because of my dislike and fear of clowns (one clown did try to kill me), but I say it because this clown has netted body -- including his tush -- designed to be filled with candy.

Mmmm Mmm, dusty candy.

5) Up next, a ballerina -- and the more curious elephant.

I know I'm simple, but I'm confused by the two-sentence set of instructions:
For party-time fun "Pink Elephant, of white foam, is secured to a base trimmed with wide net ruffles. Pearlized grapes add a gay touch.
OK, so the pink elephant is made of white foam... Color issues aside, were there once just rows of elephant foam forms? (And try to say that quickly on the phone while frantic for such supplies.)

Call me crazy, but how low-brow was crafting then that a project had less steps than assembling something from IKEA? Wouldn't it just be easier, and more creative, to take juniors stuffed toy, wrap a ribbon or ruffle around it, and smack it down in the center of the table?

6) I won't lie to you. The only reason this next one is here is because I have a thing for storks. (See part of my stork collection here.)

7) I honestly did spare you pages of wedding & anniversary hearts, nosegays, and umbrellas, but these baby shower centerpieces needed to be seen.

Besides, 'highly flammable' and the obvious 'kitsch' tag, what else would you call these? They hold the same creepy fascination for me as taxidermy. And that means I might rubber-neck, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to make one.

Come to think of it, nominating yourself to do the shower decorations with this booklet in hand, and you might find yourself never having to do anything but bring chips to every gathering you attend -- for the rest of your life.

7a) What should be here is a page on how to make a table skirt of netting for a wedding reception. I didn't scan & post it because if you can't figure that out, well, I've got a paper bag for you to try to find your way out of.

8) Here we have a 'soap fish' and 'peacock soap' -- don't ask me why the names are the way they are... Perhaps it is because the fish is so simple, twist netting around a small soap and glue some googly-eyes on it (yeah, yeah, some sequins too), that the emphasis should be on the soap. Which would make the more elaborate peacock more for advanced netters. (Certainly more sophisticated than the table cloth.)

9) Next up is the the poodle. Don't get all excited now; I wasn't even going to share this scan with you. For some reason I just didn't think you'd be worthy of Lu-Lu The Poodle. If you've ever been in a thrift store you've seen lots of Lu-Lus who need homes... Do you have any idea how many Lu-Lus are euthanized each year because none of you adopt them?

But, there, beneath Lu-Lu was a loo-loo of another sort.

10) Yup, that's Charlie the Caterpillar. Isn't that sad? That someone would be so lacking in imagination they wouldn't be able to roll netting up and glue a face on it without instructions?

...But we aren't done yet. Not with crafty netting; not with sadness.

If you thought instructions for Charlie and a netting table cloth overlay were sad -- or even just 'filler' to get to 23 pages -- you've no idea what's next.

There, beneath the topiary...

11) The 'Peony Scouring Pad', no matter how high and fancy its pedestal is, is laugh-out-loud funny.

I know this isn't any different in design that the bath puffs we all use with our shower gel -- but not even Dove calls it a 'Peony'. And while that netting is scratchy, is it tougher than Chore Boy or steel wool? Really?

What a horrible, horrible shower gift. I buy a place setting or a high chair for this shower and I get this?!

May I trade it for your caterpillar, please? Because I don't want what's coming up.

12) I'm guessing just posting the phrase 'net monkey' here is going to result in some Internet searchers to be frustrated... I don't know what it means, but I'm pretty sure those darn kids do; and it probably isn't pretty. But then neither is this nylon netting monkey.

My brother-in-law says that any words ending in 'k e y' are funny (go ahead, say 'monkey' and 'donkey' and you'll see he's onto something there), but this monkey, by virtue of his 'net' status, is creepy. Worthy of display near any dead animal art -- or, perhaps, some would say, part of my creepy doll collection. But I just don't think I could put Net Monkey next to Big Toe Joe. Not and feel good about it, anyway.

13) Last, I'll leave you with Net Bunny. Note, he is not the Easter Bunny; one assumes that he has many more functions to attend & perform.

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Blogger SlipOfAGirl said...

Ah, but if we rescue all the Lu-Lu Poodles, what will you do? ;)

That Santa is truly disturbing.

February 14, 2008 4:36 AM  
Blogger Pop Tart said...

Don't worry, if & when you rescue all the Lu-Lus I'll have other items for you ;)

February 14, 2008 5:14 AM  
Blogger Robin said...

I think the "likes netting" gene must have skipped me...

February 14, 2008 6:41 AM  
OpenID said...

My Mom was SO into the netting! This brings back so many memories, LOL!

February 14, 2008 7:50 AM  
OpenID fullbodytransplant said...

Net monkey? Net bunny? Sounds like blogger nickname material to me!

Fabulous funk, as always. My lovefest is up now, thanks for the well wishes.

February 14, 2008 7:59 AM  
Anonymous Trevor said...

Was my offer only to Joely?

Fuck no.

C'mon over. She went and passed out anyway. I'm bored.

February 14, 2008 9:56 AM  
Blogger Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Why does Trevor always beat me places?


At any rate, I think we need to say a huge thank you to Al Gore for creating the Internet (and, according to a woman I once knew, to Bill Gates for creating the Delete button) because without this thing to play on, we might still be making Lu Lu the Poodle and her monkey friend.

Imagine the fun Trevor would have with such creatures!

February 14, 2008 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Frogdogz said...

That's twice in one day I have stumbled across TTs guaranteed to leave me with nightmares.

As if the creepy heart head and bear boy dolls over on this page weren't bad enough, now I have the images of Net Monkey and horrid eyeless Santa to try and scrub from my retinas.

Please, advance warning from now on - "images in this blog post may leave you with permanent psychic trauma".

Of to self lobotomize... again.

February 14, 2008 10:12 AM  
Blogger Harris Channing said...

I had totally forgotten about these things....hey, didn't they make huge dresses for that plastic dolls out of netting.

And I would love to have one of those pink!

Great list.


February 14, 2008 11:01 AM  
Blogger mere said...

I lovvve that soap fish! Happy TT to you too :)

February 14, 2008 2:08 PM  
OpenID crushedglass said...

These are absolutely hideous! Except the fish. And maybe Charlie the caterpillar.

February 14, 2008 5:59 PM  
Anonymous Nicholas said...

Did people actually make those things?

February 14, 2008 6:07 PM  
Blogger DoubleDeckerBusGuy said...

The whole thing kinda makes me itch... literally.

February 14, 2008 6:48 PM  
Anonymous Lady Rose said...

I am into crafts - but I don't think this one would my cup of tea but definitely fun to look at and giggle

February 21, 2008 9:35 AM  

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