Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Be My Racist Valentine
Monday, February 11, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Thirteen More Bits 0 Paper Scans
The first three are vintage illustrations cut out of some publication or another. Two of the three had the poems on the back, and suggest a primer or other children's book. It could have been for really slow adults too -- I know I like them. But then, I am drawn to lovely old drawings and sing-song-y rhyme-y poems (and easily amused).
"A Fairy Went A-Marketing"
OK, enough of the cute stuff.
When you get boxes of old greeting cards, most of them are Christmas cards.
The cover isn't very festive, with it's "Statement At Christmas" tome; and seeing the red mittened hand of Santa doesn't really help.
Inside we find a bland message, which, upon seeing it is a corporate card, makes more sense. No, it's no more festive; but we can forgive companies for not knowing how to be fun. What I cannot forgive is the stupid company name & 'signature'. Just "4 - 0 Cleaners"? How memorable.
If the commercial corporate card was boring, this next one is a hoot. Clearly the art work was created by hand and then printed in some quantity or other. "Merry Christmas Happy '56" from the king and queen -- of cards. You know, the playing kind of cards -- see the suits? Maybe this was specially made for their couples canasta league -- or bridge group. Could be poker. Who knows.
The kicker is the inside quote, written by hand. Which is sort of ironic...
No longer able to write a verseOh, Jane and Ray, you're such cards! You ought to be dealt with.
Even the coloring gets worse
But we're glad we're still able to say
'Have a Joyous Christmas Day"
I know I said I was done with the cute stuff and that you're going to see this cute vintage elephant card and yell at me. But hold on there, missy. This isn't just a cute elephant card; this is a vintage 'Secret Pal' elephant card -- complete with a printed 'X' for the mystery signature. I know if I was a Republication, I'd keep it a secret.
Oh yeah, I can hear the Republicans getting their knickers in a knot -- and the cute lovers are up in arms for mocking an innocent baby elephant. Want to get back at me? Write a pithy (spelled p-i-t-h-y, not p-i-s-s-y) comment. Maybe I'll give you an award. Maybe I'll just stalk you on the Internet and send you this card...
Now that you're all keen on cards & graphics you might be inspired to create some art. Valentine's Day is only a week away, and you've got nothing better to do this weekend anyway.
Here we have some Valentine card creation advice, straight from that 1971 Pack-o-Fun, "The Only Scrap-Craft Magazine". Yup, you know when it's from Pack-o-Fun, it will be crap-scraft-actular.
First, the boys get to make "Zany Valentines". 'Zany' in this case means corn-ball kitsch cards with found objects of the more masculine metal variety: hardware. (Must. Resist. All. Puns.) My personal favorite is the "I know it's TACK-less -- But I have to say I love you!" 'Cuz there it is with a tack, so how can it be tack-less?
Please note, if you opt to create variations on the theme, beware what message you use with a screw. (Unless you are a consenting adult with a partner who approves of -- even prefers -- naughty kitschy advances, like us.)
My favorite here is the "Can't I RUFFLE your feelings, Valentine?" Any man getting that card is gonna agree that you can; and that's when the fight breaks out. Now, with any luck at all, at this point he'll be holding the impotent lace-card as a weapon, and ladies, you'll have the one with the rusty old metal piece.
Now that you've made all your pretty paper Valentines, you'll need a place to stuff them. :ahem: In case you need help creating animals with heart-shaped heads (the paper kind), I've included both pages of instructions.
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Thursday, January 31, 2008
I've Got A Squirrel Loose; Or, My Heaven Is Missing A Squirrel
In the commercial a red boy mouse finger puppet hits on a blue girl squirrel finger puppet:
Mouse: You know what I think?Ms Squirrel laughs, but you know she falls for it. Just as I have.
Mouse: Heaven must be missing a squirrel.
AT&T needs to sell me these finger puppets.
Are you listening, AT&T? I don't want an iPhone. Especially as I don't have service for it here. But even if I could, I'd still want those adorable finger puppets more.
I guess this whole post makes me AT&T's puppet, posting their ad like that... Unless they make me the puppets. Then I am The Puppet Master.