I found this in the Bismarck Semi-Weekly Tribune from May of 1877. In the olden days, newspapers didn’t distinguish much between joke articles and true news, relying on context to tell whether or not something is real. I’m pretty sure, based on the florid prose employed to describe the troubles with auction-going, this was a humorous fiction piece. However, there’s something rather true about it all, so maybe it hasn’t happened in reality, but I’m pretty sure this has happened in spirit more than once. Full story inside…
OK, so you’ve taken Movember by the short hairs and now you think you’ve got a fancy-pants manly mustache to show for it. There’s only one way to manly it up even further: get yourself one of Nick Offerman’s mustache combs, salvaged from the finest felled trees in California and shaped by the guy who plays Ron Swanson. Your mustache will look like Tom Selleck himself placed a curse on everyone else’s mustaches.
I know, you’re setting up the rummage sale, and the kids aren’t much help carrying boxes or setting up tables. So, what do you do? Let them make signs, of course! Just make sure they’re old enough to really know what they’re writing:
I suppose that goes for hungover spouses, too, but then you’ve got an entirely different problem. Oh, no, this isn’t a one time error – it’s more common than you think:
Whether your car is attending a fancy event, or trying to go incognito while infiltrating a foreign spy ring, you need to get yourself a Carstache. Hooked on to your grill, any vehicle can be made more stylish, and they come in a variety of haircolors depending on your vehicle’s temperment.
Make sure you clean it a lot: remember how icky your grille gets due to insects who can’t be troubled to get out of the road? Leave it too long without a good Stanley Steemer going-over, and it’ll look like the doormat of the Batcave. We sure want one – don’t forget how much we love moustaches!
Don’t worry, people: they’re not real teeth. Who’d snuggle with a toy that had real human teeth in it? Insanity. No, these are fake teeth, which makes them all the more lovable. Just look at that face: don’t you just want to cuddle with it all night long, tucked in soundly next to your sleeping body, watching over you all through the darkness of night?
According to this forum post, Mrs McGettrick saw somebody selling a bag of fake teeth on eBay, and wondered who’d buy such a thing. Nobody can explain how she became the highest bidder. Of course, the next logical step is to install them into Ugly-Doll-looking things, and then call them Fugglers.
Charlton Heston would have you think that a future world ruled by monkeys would be medieval and brutal in nature, in which chimpanzees and gorillas and orangutans are castes in a worldwide religion based on the first monkey to rise up and destroy all humans. Fortunately for lovers of the truth, I’m just back from the future, and I bring you this political poster, pulled straight off the wall at an army recruiting center:
If monkeys rise up and overwhelm humanity, this is what the Planet of the Apes will really look like – because people forget that monkeys are totally crazy. (actual poster by this guy)
On March 30th 2010, Adam Harvey went on a quest. It had been a rainy day, so he went out harvesting. When he got home he had a bag of at least 40 broken, lost, and abandoned umbrella handles. Poor, poor umbrellas.
Some days, you’re just sitting around with a couple knitting needles and a few skeins of wool, and you think to yourself, “self, I really should knit myself a viking.” So you go to work, without really thinking about how one would really knit a viking, but you’re a dedicated crafter, and in the end your result looks like this: